Do any other trans people use stims to cope with dysphoria during sex or masturbation?

I’m a 29-year-old trans man in NYC. I’ve had over six gender-affirming surgeries, including abdominal phallo with an implant. I have a revision scheduled in August to fix the implant length.

I didn’t get burial, UL, or vaginectomy, though I might in the future. Honestly, I’m exhausted from surgeries. I can feel my dick, but it’s nowhere near as sensitive as my clit. I’ve only been able to cum once from stimulating my new penis alone, and that has left me feeling frustrated, depressed, and hopeless.

I get horny, I jack off, usually with a vibrator or dildo, and then immediately after I cum I feel incredibly depressed. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, and it feels like nothing in my life can make me happy unless I can actually feel like a man during sex. Money, romance, art, hobbies — all of it just feels like distraction.

I’ve fallen into cycles of using drugs. Stimulants like coke, molly, and meth are my main drugs of choice. I get high, I get horny, and for a few hours it feels incredible, especially vaginal sex. But afterward I feel awful. I find it almost impossible to quit because when I’m sober, sex feels really hard. I can’t physically satisfy myself in a way that feels fulfilling, but I still have a high libido and need to masturbate daily, which usually ends in dysphoria the second the orgasm is over.

When someone is sexually interested in me, it fills me with anxiety. Being a stone top sometimes helps, but the frustration is still there. Because of my short implant, topping with my dick is sometimes difficult or impossible if my partner is tight, and the fear of mechanical issues makes me avoid using it even though it’s affirming. The revision may help with that, but it won’t fix how hard it is to cum from my dick.

I don’t feel like anything can really fix me besides being able to feel enough erotic pleasure in my dick to cum easily. When I try to stop using drugs, the sexual frustration builds until I eventually get high just to feel some release and feel okay in my body for a few hours. Over time, I’ve started wanting partners less and just wanting to do lines and jack off for hours because then nobody expects anything from me sexually.

I’ve tried so many psychiatric treatments: medications, TMS, ketamine, all of it. Nothing gives me real relief. When I’m sober, my baseline mood is depressed and anxious.

I often wish something would happen to me randomly, though I’m too anxious about my family disrespecting my body after death to actually kill myself. I hate being trans. Looking like a man and being seen as a man doesn’t fix the sexual dysfunction. I’ve basically given up on finding a partner.

Right now, I keep using because it gives me a few hours of relief, even if I feel terrible most days. I don’t think I can reduce my stimulant use until I feel more comfortable in my body. If I went to rehab, I feel like I’d start using again the moment I got out. If I were forced to be sober, I’d still be horny constantly but unable to satisfy myself without spiraling into dysphoria. Avoiding sex and masturbation also doesn’t feel possible because of my libido.

I don’t know many trans people who struggle with this level of dysphoria, so I feel extremely alienated. Even in T4T spaces, there’s often an assumption that I’m okay with using my natal anatomy because it feels physically good, but emotionally it doesn’t feel like part of me.

I just feel alone. My life feels like a joke. I get brief moments of relief, but the deeper inability to feel sexually satisfied makes everything feel pointless and unfulfilling. It makes me uninterested in romance, uninterested in dating, and uninterested in being around people who are attracted to me.