Dreading telling my family about my deconstruction

Hey all. I was born and raised in an evangelical environment. Almost always Baptist churches. I think I lucked out somewhat in that my parents are not extremely legalistic, and they tended to bristle at those types of churches or teachings. But, all the main hallmarks of the American evangelical church were there. I have several family members who are in full-time ministry, and my father has always been very involved in every church he’s in. For a long time, I believed I wanted to be a worship pastor or youth pastor. I went to a Bible school and met my wife there. The senior pastor of the church we attend is one of her extended relatives. All of this just to give context to how entangled in all of this I am.

I’d say my deconstruction journey started during Covid. I’m guessing this isn’t too uncommon. My desire to be in full-time ministry faded a few years before that, for different reasons. And there were plenty of things that already bothered me about the evangelical church, and the way I did not see Jesus in it. Evangelical and conservative behavior during the pandemic just accelerated that. The selfishness, distrust of science and experts, etc. all just began to repulse me in a way that I could not shove down anymore. If the community I grew up with and 100% believed in was willing to disregard truth and empathy here, where else was that true? Where else were they twisting things to fit the preferred narrative? Around this time we became way less regular with our church attendance and I know that’s a factor here too. It allowed me to disconnect from the high control environment that can prevent us from asking questions or exploring our doubts.

When it started I’d say to myself “I still believe in Jesus I just don’t believe in the church.” In the past year my deconstruction has accelerated rapidly and I’d say now I’m pretty much agnostic atheist. Which is a huge shock to me. I never wanted this. I only have two close friends who sort of know about this. No one in my family knows, including my wife and children.

And honestly it terrifies me. The thought that I need to tell them, that I can’t keep faking my way through the motions here. It’s not fair to them and it’s making me feel miserable. We went to church today and there were several baptisms; I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I can’t keep doing it.

But my family on both sides is so much involved. I honestly have no idea how my wife would respond. Will she want to leave? Will it make her miserable and resentful? I know many people have lost families because of this. But I know ultimately I can’t keep going down this path. I can’t keep teaching my children something I don’t believe in. What if they deconstruct someday and then resent me for not being honest with them earlier? I can’t bare that thought.

I guess I’m just hoping to find some advice, encouragement, and community from others who have gone through this or are going through it, and how to approach it. Thanks for reading.