I did it. I did it. I finally blocked her.

1.5 years.

That’s how long I’ve tried fixing this relationship I’ve vad with her. 1.5 years. I let her walk all over me for so long. For so fucking long. I endured multiple trust breaches, I endured betrayals (not ”cheating” per se) and I endured months of avoidance, blame-shifting and every possible other thing you could think of.

I won’t deny my part in it. I’m a former anxious attacher, but lately my self-respect has been growing, a lot. I endured 2-3 discards, waited for her come back. She always did, within 1-3 weeks. She always tested the waters by using Spotify as a breadcrumbing channel, I always fell for it. Adding songs back to the playlists; communicating through song titles. I blocked her Spotify too.

I removed her friends as followers. I removed her friend on Snapchat so she can’t see my location and I can’t see her’s. I blocked my ex’s number, I blocked her on Spotify, I blocked her on Facebook. Everywhere. I’m done, I did it. I’m fucking done.

What an EXHAUSTING 1.5 fucking years! Wasted all my fucking time on someone who couldn’t do SHIT for me and kept showing it! Someone who neglected me for so long! Who hid things from me for so long! Who broke my heart so many times I couldn’t even be sad when she broke up, I just isolated myself from everything and everyone for days at a time and just writhed in anxiety in my bed. Screen time up to 15 hours a day.

I can’t believe I let myself do this before. I can blame her all I want, her magical gaslighting powers, and to some extent it’s true, she was very good at reeling me in, but goddamn, I can’t deny my own part in it. I can’t deny I let it happen to myself. I won’t punish myself for it though, I didn’t know any better and I didn’t know how to act. I’m just glad I’m fucking done.

Never gonna waste another second on that lying, secretive, avoidant piece of fucking shit. I tried so long with her, never again. Never.

I always hoped she would come back before. In every discard. This time I fucking hope she doesn’t, and I’m glad she NEVER will.