Ive been the perfect child my whole life, and it’s never been enough for my narc mother.

I, 19f have always tried to be the ‘good kid’ from when I was little.

I never got into trouble, always did my homework, got excellent grades and did everything asked of me. Im currently in a very good college with great grades and am on track to become a doctor. I have a good paying part time job and help take care of the family when I am not at work or in classes. All of my time is spent studying, working or helping her.

I have done my absolute best in every way I could because I felt like such a worthless burden on my mother, who reminded me frequently of how hard her life was. Being frequently reminded of your worthlessness and inherent selfishness will drive you to do anything which disproves that.

But despite doing everything the perfect way as much as I could, she always found a reason to argue and fight with me. If I forgot to close a door, it became an hour long rant about how little I care for her and this family. If I made plans with friends without asking if she wanted to go out with me first. she would yell at me for not caring about her enough. Getting her gifts for mothers day when she says she didnt want anything would turn into a week long episode of her giving me the silent treatment or berating me on how evil and awful I am- but if I had done exactly as she asked and gotten her, nothing it would be the same outcome. It’s like she deliberately creates drama every day for the hell of it. Because god forbid anyone other than gets attention.

It’s ruined me as a person. I am finally realising now that my sense of self and morality has been intrinsically shaped by this upbringing, and I’m not sure who I am without it. My entire life is dictated by rules Ive made up in my head to survive her outbursts - every social interaction and task has to be done perfectly- lest she notice and rain hellfire apon me.

Ive recently started seeing a psychologist. The more I go, the more I realise how abnormal my home life has been and the impact it has had on me. The root of my anxiety and severe rumination is because of her. My intense social hyper vigilance is because of her. My depression is from growing up in such an unstable household my entire life and never having any of my needs met. I remember more and more memories I have suppressed of her outbursts and abuse each week, and it’s exhausting. I can’t wait to move out and go no contact. In so tired of this.