Moving out ASAP

Hi Reddit,

It's my first time posting here, and I guess I really just wanted to air out some of my thoughts.

I'm graduating soon from a prestigious uni. Something I'm really grateful for since I was delayed and so much has happened in the last decade.

From financial woes, to depression, and to cutting off my abusive sister. For context, I'm the 3rd out of 4 siblings and my abuser was my eldest sister. It started back when I was 14 where a really bad event happened that changed our family and I was blamed for it. An oversimplification, but because I did something wrong that pissed my 4th yr college sister at the time, she said the wrong thing to my dad who was stopping her, and got beaten up.

She said because of me she couldn't get to the master's program and had to live with depression, pills, etc.

So for years, I lived trying to make it up to her. She would turn a normal conversation and remind me of how horrible of a person I am. Or evade accountability when she's in the wrong through guilt tripping me and I was just supposed to take it. My other two siblings knew about this dynamic, and so did our nanny but no one dared to change it.

Even when I was accepted to a big 4 university, I doubted myself if I deserved it. I was also an academic achiever at this time, trying to win the affection of my parents. Turns out no matter what, they would move the goal post, but that's another story. These two things really crippled my self-esteem because I was never good enough to my parents, and a very horrible person to my sister.

I pushed myself till I burnt-out during the tail end of my first year, and I couldn't function anymore. 5 INCs and almost not making it to 2nd year if not for my friend.

My family became a bit more supportive seeing how much I struggled to just live and I was just getting by day-to-day. No support group after going back on campus since my schedule was delayed, waking up early to avoid traffic and commute 2 hrs. Go back late on rush hour another 2-3 hrs and sleep 4 hrs before repeating this again the next day. I genuinely dont know how I survived that semester.

But of course things changed, and improved a bit. I was close to my family and relied on them. But my sister still had those moments, and I just can't do anything about it. I was still depressive and wanted to just get through most days. Friends were the only reason I went to school at all and tried. Until after years, I woke up and said I don't deserve this.

I got drank on my friend's birthday and went home crying to my family of how full I am from my sister's treatment. From the hipocrisy to the straight up abuse. And she was just laughing at the drunk me because she truly believes I deserved it.

Things happened, and we didn't talk for months, then I gave her a chance again, trying to let her see my pov and I thought she did. Acknowledging that we were both scarred because of our parents. But that was my biggest mistake.

A person doesn't simply change after all, and well after a little over a year and so much understanding I gave her, she pushed my limits. I confronted her, and she started choking me. My siblings were there to stop her. But yeah it was the first time I genuinely felt pure hatred for a person. Wishing they would disappear. This was a week before New Year btw.

I became suicidal and self-harming because there was nothing I could do, and I didn't know how to handle it. I relied a lot on my older brother because I couldn't stop harming myself and I just tried avoiding her as best as I can. But you know, it was New Year and all I felt was hopelessness. My mother was even forcing me to smile because I shouldn't be greeting New Year with a frown.

She moved out a week after, and I was left to sort the mess she left. Numbness, depression, and so on entering my final semester.

This was by far the best semester ever, as if the heavens above took pity on me. Getting an internship I didn't ask for, meeting a new friend group, having a situationship which was short but the first time someone made me feel attractive in the long time, and getting myself back together. A lot of discovery as well, like accepting that I also do find guys attractive as a bisexual and that casual isn't for me.

My parents sometimes urge me to forgive my sister because "Kapatid ko parin daw" and that my reaction is immature, but they won't understand that I'm physically shaking when she visits and my mind blanks. I snap faster at my mom when she doesn't listen to what I say and reminds me of my sister.

My sisters attempts to even talk to me and greet me happy birthday makes me shudder. My dad says she's not even here anymore most of the time so I should learn to move on. But yeah, I know I skipped a lot of details but in any case.

I'll be graduating soon with an internship, and I've been working hard on myself all for one goal. To move out of here in a year or two. I love my family as much as they've hurt me and I've hurt them. But I cannot heal in this place. I feel my soul rotting the longer I stay here. Every surprise visit and attempt to talk to me, every indifference in my parents' voice, and every blame I get for acting the way I am because of hurt I've been and continue to be.

To my younger self, you deserve so much better, and I promise you that I will do better this time, so hold on a little more longer. You and I will get there.