mommy issues really bad right now

im not even horny lol i just don’t know how to talk about my feelings in a normal way and so sometimes i post here. i had this morbid thought in the shower earlier today that the kindest thing my mother could probably do for me at this point is die before she retires. when you’re little your parent is your whole world. my mom didn’t sexually abuse me but she also didn’t do anything to stop my older sibling who was so 🤷‍♀️ i wish i had a better place to express this but this all makes me feel so fucked up in the way only perverts can appreciate