Died inside and came to life.

This is my first post and it might be a bit raw, poorly composed and lengthy but I just needed to say it.

I (HLF) met my partner (LLM) when I was 18 and he was 28.
I'm an attractive young woman, l work out almost everyday I’m 5’3” my measurements are 32-23-36 1/2. I get noticed, I get complimented. I've had multiple other women tell me that if they had a body like mine, they'd never dress as modestly as I do.
I'm intelligent, I have a decent position, I have a BSc, an MSc and a LLB.
I'm fun, I'm funny, l'm interesting, I’m sweet, passionate, I’m kind.
However, this man just has no interest in any aspect of me. We don’t talk, we don’t interact, at most we cuddle to sleep every now and again but even that’s when he feels like it. We don’t kiss. When he gets home from work, he won’t say a word to me or will be angry but when he sees our son his mood instantly shifts and he’s light and playful with him but completely cold to me.

We've been together for 8 years. I could walk into a room naked and he wouldn't even look twice. I don't think l've ever caught his eye when I look back on things. I’ve never seen him look at me lustfully, longingly or even happily. Whenever we make eye contact I feel like disappearing because all I believe I see on his face is disgust but he won’t leave me or let me go.

I feel like a caged pet, kept but never wanted.

I was a virgin when we met, he pressed and seemed very interested in sex until our first time, we did it again once after that, then didn't have sex again for over two years.

When we moved in together after 4 years of dating, I thought our sex life would pick up but it didn't. We had the most sex while trying to conceive our baby which didn't take us long, so that year we had sex 10 times.

We typically only have sex after an argument, he'll come to apologise, initiate sex and I can't help it. As much as I know I shouldn't give in, every part of my body just needs it, l'm an intimate and sexual person, I love sex.

I spent so much time trying to figure out what was wrong with me, if I wasn’t his type, if I was too annoying or not attractive and seductive enough, if I wasn’t sexy enough, if I did something to turn him off, if I was ‘loose’ down there, etc. I even had so many conversations with him about the lack of sex and I’d never leave any of them with any real answers or solutions.

Last September when we were staying at his parents’ while our home was being renovated, he asked me to help him with HIS project HE HAD for HIS job that was due at the end of the month. We were rarely ever home alone and as soon as his parents left the garage with our son, I laid next to him and placed my hand on his 'member' then asked if he wanted to do something with me. He literally scornfully swatted my hand away and asked if I finished HIS project yet.
I can't describe how I felt that day, as a person or as a woman… crushed is an utter understatement.

Anyways, I started exercising even more, set up a gym at home too, started doing 10-12k steps daily.
Everyone who saw me told me I looked so different and asked for my routine. Everyone was blown away but him. He couldn't even compliment me if I asked him to.

Now when I exercise I look in the mirror for me. I exercise for me, to know that I built this body every time I went into my gym room. I found myself, I find myself attractive again. I don't question or feel uncomfortable when people compliment me anymore, I know I look amazing and I make sure to tell him about whenever someone says anything. I don’t even want him to see me naked, this body doesn’t belong to you, you don’t get to see it, you don’t get to use it. You’re missing out now.

Although he still doesn’t seem to care or notice that he’s missing out on something, I’m slowly coming back to life.