My (33F) partner (36M) says harsh things he doesn’t mean when we argue

Me (33F) and my partner (36M) have been dating for 2 years. He’s my best friend. Outside of conflict, he’s incredibly sweet to me. He compliments me, supports me, opens my door, spends most of his free time with me, and is loyal and committed. He’s thoughtful and really pays attention to my feelings and nuances.

We’re not a couple that constantly bickers or talks down to each other. We generally get along really well. But when we argue, it can get pretty bad. We both have things to work on. I know I need to regulate my emotions better, and he has his own challenges too.

One of the main issues is that during arguments, he can say really harsh or definitive things. He doesn’t call me names, but he’ll say things that feel damaging to the relationship, like “maybe I’m not the right partner for you,” instead of something like, “I don’t think I’m supporting you the way you need. Let’s take space and figure out how to do better next time.”

Another example: one time after a couple of drinks (we rarely drink), we got into a fight and he said he could never drink around me again. It felt extreme, instead of just acknowledging that we shouldn’t argue unless we’re sober.

There was also a time he said he felt “repulsed” by me, but later clarified he meant that during conflict, the connection between us temporarily disappears. So not disgust toward me as a person, but more the dynamic in that moment.

During the repair stage, when I bring these things up, he often says he didn’t mean it that way or that I took it wrong.

It sometimes feels like a lack of accountability. At the same time, I know I’m not perfect either. I’ve said things I don’t fully mean when I’m upset. But I try to be careful with my words. My frustration usually comes out more in my tone or energy, not in saying things that feel permanent or hard to take back.

After he explains what he “actually meant,” I usually feel better and can understand his perspective. But it also leaves me feeling like I can’t take anything he says during an argument at face value. And that feels confusing and unfair.

Has anyone experienced something like this? I’ve brought it up a couple of times, but I’m not sure he fully understands. He tends to say I’m seeing things too black and white.

TL;DR: Relationship is loving and stable outside of conflict, but during arguments my partner says harsh, definitive things and later walks them back. It leaves me feeling confused and unsure how seriously to take what he says.