I’m not sure what’s wrong with me

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I keep pretending I’m okay, but honestly I’m not. I’m exhausted and scared. Ever since I gave birth to my baby boy, I’ve been having hallucinations about people hurting him, and I don’t understand why.

At first, I was terrified and couldn’t trust anyone to take care of my baby except myself. Deep down, I knew no one would actually hurt him, but the hallucinations — or intrusive thoughts, I don’t even know what to call them — felt so real that they scared me badly.

When we were at the hospital, I thought I saw my baby’s father throw him against the wall and watched him hit the floor. Then I blinked and realized my baby was completely safe in his father’s arms. Moments like that have stayed with me. I don’t see things as often as I used to, but it still happens sometimes.

I was diagnosed with depression during pregnancy, but I don’t really feel depressed now. Mostly, I feel intense anxiety and constant fear that someone is going to hurt my baby or take him away from me.

The reason I’m saying all of this here is because it’s easier for me. I don’t think I could ever fully tell someone this in person. I have told my baby’s father some of it, but not the full truth. Since then, he has given me some space and has stepped up a lot. He’s much more helpful now than he was when the baby was a newborn, and I’m really grateful for that.

I’m also grateful for his parents, especially his mom. They opened their home to us, let us live with them, and have helped us so much with the baby. His mom has helped me more than she will probably ever realize, and I love her for that.

I love my baby more than anything in the world, and I can’t imagine my life without him. His father and I have a good relationship, but sometimes I wish I hadn’t gotten pregnant so soon because we hadn’t been together for very long. We started dating in early December, and I got pregnant in the middle of March.

Even with all of that, I still wouldn’t change anything. I have a beautiful, wonderful child, and I wouldn’t trade him for the world.