I HATE MYSELF

I hate seeing myself and being in my body. I only recently came to the realisation (18 y.o.) that I've wanted to become a man but realised I'm basically fucked. I am a very petite feminine looking female who's very very short (140-142 cm and 35 kg) and no matter how much I try to present more masculine, I still look like a fucking girl. Physically transitioning for me is literally impossible because I'm basically living paycheck to paycheck and cannot afford gender affirming care. I fucking hate myself and I just want to die. I wish I transitioned earlier but I was never exposed to transgenderism where I grew up. I am so fucking sick of myself