i cant get rid of the mindset my ed has taught me

ive been struggling with anorexia for 5 years now, and even though i started recovery 4 years ago, i keep relapsing because i still have the same disordered way of thinking and i cant seem to get rid of it.

rationally, i know what im supposed to do to get better and i know that the toughts and fears goging through my mind these times are bullshit. but still, especially duing stressful times, i always end up listening to thst certain voice.

though at this point, my fear related to eating is more connected to the fear that im going to feel sick if i eat too much, and whenever i eat, i always feel the need to eat as little as possible. when i feel full, i always feel guilty even though i know that i have to eat otherwise im going to die eventually.. but at the same time, i dont want to feel bloated and sick.

i wish i could just turn a switch in my mind..