Weird feelings I’ve been having

If I’m with a woman, I can’t stand hearing, “I want pain mixed with pleasure.” I’m not exactly sure if I can do that. Maybe light spanking or choking, but nothing too much; it’s just something I never liked doing. I tried doing what you liked, but sometimes it feels weird. I don’t like causing pain where we’re supposed to feel good. You suggested having someone else do it as a way of helping us both, but who was it really for? Maybe I’m just dominant in my own way. You hate the vanilla stuff, but I try to make it as pleasurable as possible for both of us. I want to worship every curve of you, every stretch mark, every sound you make when I touch a spot you like. I want to kiss everything you find imperfect or gross on your body and show how much I appreciate that you’re allowing me to touch you. Since I’m a guy writing this, am I so wrong? I love a good connection between partners in and out of bed. If I’m with a man, I’m the one who wants to be held, kissed, and cuddled. A few years back, I had hookups with guys who were admittedly very respectful of my boundaries and didn’t cross any lines I drew, but I didn’t feel anything other than needing a quick release. After it was over, they just groped me while whispering how “skinny and sexy” I am. It should’ve felt good, but it didn’t. It felt weird. It felt wrong. I just stood there until I said I had to go back to my dorm room. I wanted someone to hold my hands, kiss me, and give me the good feeling I try to give to a woman. I guess I was looking for something that didn’t exist like we always do. What is wrong with me? I’m bisexual, but I regret those encounters? I want to give that loving, worshipful feeling, but I want it given to me too. I want that “special woman or guy” or whatever the hell I’m talking about to hold onto me, let me cry, or kiss me when I need it. I’m so tired of being the person that someone always relies on. Sometimes I need someone who actually understands my feelings and doesn’t just think about themselves.