I hate being fat

15 years old, 5'4, 205 pounds. I'm fucking disgusting. Just a fat, gluttonous pig that eats everything in sight.

I just want to be skinny but I don't have the energy to get there. I want to wear tank tops and booty shorts and feel confident for once. I don't want to look down and have a double chin anymore. I don't want to only wear xxl or xxxl clothing just to hide my fat even though I fit just fine in a large or xl. I hate being in public because everyone can see what I've done to myself.

In a way, I kinda blame my parents. I was their 3rd and final kid, so they just gave up. All my lunches were (and I remember this distinctly), a pepperoni sandwich, baggie of chips, and 3-5 sweets. Like coffee cakes, brownies, oatmeal cream pies, that type of thing. I used to think that my friends were so lucky having vegetables in their lunches because I never really had them before. I thought they were for special occasions only. My parents made my binging normal too. I'd eat so much, kinda still do, and they'd just tell me that it's fine because I'll grow into the weight or some shit. Like when I get tall, I guess? Idfk

But now I'm realizing that I'm not just "pudgy" or "big boned", as my mom would say- I'm genuinely fat. I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I hate it. I hate that this was normalized. I fucking hate that I can't instantly switch my mind into making better food choices. Food is the only thing I can somewhat control right now.

I can't control how I style my hair, how I dress, the abuse in my life, my depression, and this urge to just end it all that gets stronger and stronger every day, but I can control when and how I eat. That's it, so I just can't stop. I want to be skinny and I keep counting my calories, but the second I eat I can't fucking stop. I'd make myself throw it all up if I wasn't absolutely terrified of vomit.

So whatever, this is a stupid vent. I'll just be fat forever and that's that. I'll never wear that tank top I bought last year for when I'm thin. I'll never wear skinny jeans or a cute outfit. I'll never date anyone because I'm too ugly and fat for it. I'll always just be a stupid, fat pig, and that's fucking fine.