fear of being undesirable

The fear of being undesirable to the people I gravitate towards is scaring me out of any potential re-recovery (I call it such term as I've been in and out of recovery for years after multiple hospitalizations and relapses). My current relapse is heavily dependent upon reaching looking a certain way to wear a very specific outfit in hopes I'll meet someone that will take a liking to my appearance - the type of people I like are the ones who fetishize smaller-bodied people, almost extremely, and unhealthily because of a lifetime of having an eating disorder, and trauma from similar people. The sickest parts of my psyche are wanting someone to reach out and make me sicker, both to feel wanted, and to enable my habits so I'll feel in control and also pretty for someone who loves me. Logically, anyone who truly loves you would never, ever enable something like this, they'd want you to be better, love yourself, no matter what or how you look. I know this sounds ridiculous, but this disorder is the Ridiculous Disorder, to put it lightly (it never is, it's irrational). I am struggling so much, I feel like I'll never be enough for anyone in general, but having this fuel both thoughts upon wanting to get worse and also wanting to be desired is killing me ah !!!!!!!!!!! I want to get better, and start eating like a normal person again, gain weight to a healthy point and forget all about how I look to others, but feeling tiny, feeling small, and wanting someone strong and bigger is all that lives in my head. I don't want to have to be sick just to be loved.