why is it that every time i’m sad, i consider suicide

this sounds silly i know. but so many times where im genuinely upset at something, instead of being normally sad/upset, my feelings become very intense. i think this might be a case of bad emotional regulation, but its gotten to the point where i try to avoid feeling upset because my immediate response is to start planning my death/fantasizing about my death.

i am not very “actively” suicidal. but i get triggered into very intensive days/weeks long periods when all i want to do is die. it’s usually triggered by someone hurting my feelings. i intentionally avoid things/conversations that will make me upset and instead try to force a silly goofy happy go lucky persona bc my response to sadness can be so vitriolic and self hatred starts to quickly fester.

feeling sensitive and stupid.