A month ago

It’s been exactly a month since I found out my ex cheated on me. It’s been 2 weeks since I last had contact with him. The last time we talked I requested a phone call because I wanted to ask him questions I didn’t get to when I gave him his stuff back. I’ve felt nauseous the past 3 days nonstop. Yesterday I nearly threw up when my work played a song that we used to dance to.

When it’s late a night (like now) I get urges to call him and ask if he misses me like I miss him. We both cried so much when we were on the phone. He apologized and said he would “burn the world” if it meant he could take it back. I asked, “why does it always have to be a destructive exchange to amend the damage you caused?” He said that’s how his brain works. I know that he loved me despite cheating on me. I’ve been dealing it over. Can you love someone that you betray? He said he felt neglected in our relationship and wanted to feel desired. I thought we were just going through a rough patch. I was stressed with school and work and had limited time to spend on anything else.

I’ve deleted his number to prevent myself from doing anything rash. But if I really wanted to, I could probably find it again.

How do you all deal with the late nights? I think about him all the time. It hurts. I get intrusive thoughts of him having sex with the other woman. Of him kissing her like he kissed me. His hands roaming her body and then holding my hand.

I don’t know how to stop. I want to go back but I can’t. I told everyone in my life what he did to prevent me from going back. I’d look stupid to do so. But what happened? Where did I go wrong? I feel like the burden is on me. He fought tooth and nail to get better and show up for us. And then he chose this. I can’t help but feel like I pushed him into it. I just don’t know. I want to cry all the time.

I miss my baby. :(