Nothing is real

I didn’t ask to be here. My dad should have continued beating my mom until she miscarried me. But some how she didn’t. She let him abuse me then pretended like she didn’t know. Even after he died I still get nightmares. My memory is shot. I don’t remember my childhood and now I’m forgetting my teenage years & 20s & now 30s.

I have nightmares every other night. If not every night. I dream I’m dying, fending for my life, running away, hiding, the world is ending or I’m drowning. Lately inception dreams. 3-4 dreams within dreams. Sometimes I don’t feel real. Other times I know it’s “real” but really it isn’t. I hate being awake. I hate going to sleep. I’m constantly exhausted.

My interests/hobbies are meaningless. I have no support system. I’ve isolated myself & now I get social anxiety. I can’t order or speak up for myself. And when I do I burn everything down. We grew up poor. Two of my siblings are homeless. But I get guilt tripped into not taking in 2-5 kids that were taken away when I already can’t care for myself. I’m not real. I didn’t ask to be here.

My “fiance” was drunk as fuck when he proposed on a trip I planned. Thing is he didn’t ask, he assumed he did until I told him he didn’t. I’m stuck paying for a wedding he knows I didn’t want. But won’t help plan anything. So now I have to cancel and tell everyone at work & my bosses jk I’m not getting married but we’re still together. I’m at a job that pays ok but I’m handicapped bc I don’t speak a foreign language. But everyone does. I’m the fucking idiot bc I don’t know one of three languages that apparently is an unspoken requirement as a second language. Bc I was born in America and no one taught me. And when I learn I sound like a fucking idiot bc there’s no apps for my families dialect.

I do everything. I’m the keeper. I get no help. I clean. I organize. I wash. I pack. I shop and stock. I’m the assistant. I do the mail. I budget. I plan. I’m stuck in this fucking body I didn’t ask for. Bc if I leave I’m the bad guy. It’s my job to work outside of work. God forbid I get help.

My mom went over 16 months without calling me two years ago. She only noticed bc I brought it up. I’ve been away for 13 years, only 3-4 hours away & you know how many times she’s seen me? 4 times. But she didn’t come to see me. She just happened to be in the area so she did.

I’ve tried therapy. Couldn’t even pay TWO therapist to listen to be me about CSA and my anxiety & depression. They were both just cleaning. I’ve tried finding new/reigniting old hobbies. Exercising. Going for walks, being in nature. Talking w friends/family. Changing my diet. Changing my sleep. Limiting my caffeine. Taking natural supplements. Meditation. Reading/audio self help books. Podcasts. Journaling. My doctor offered meds. I’m running out of matches to light.

I debate on maxing out my credit cards & ghosting my work, fiance, immediate family. I know where I can I disappear & no one will ever find me. I know where, anywhere, in a jungle I can get lost and no one will locate me. I think about taking a month long impromptu vacation & maxing all my cards out. Turning off my phone then going into the jungle as my last beautiful sight.

I’ve had so many near death experiences but somehow keep getting “saved”. I didn’t ask for it. Just let me leave. Bc if I so choose to leave, again, I’m the bad guy. I pray I get hit by a car. Drown when I surf. Go to sleep and not wake up. I have a way to hurt myself. But again, I’ll still be the bad guy. So I pray god or whatever the fuck it is lets me leave.

My former colleague left. I had no idea why he would. But it makes the exit look easier to take.