Goodbye, Mother

I want you to know that I hate you. Because my parents neglected me, my life was over before it began. By rendering me incapable of attaching to another person, you have rendered me incapable of a life worth living. It's funny that I'm the one who pushes you and everyone else away, when you'd love to hear from me and see your son for the first time in over a decade, yet it is your fault. You may not have realized that, you never were the brightest. Those who I hurt, and there are many, have you to thank as well. It hurts me when a person smiles at me or greets me. I can see their pain when they see what they must interpret as disgust and rejection. I wish they knew that I am incapable of anything else. I feel great empathy for my fellow humans and want them all to be happy and loved. I hate it when people are cruel, I hate it when people put others down and try to make them feel small. Yet, my resentment and pain rear their heads and I do exactly those things. I wish they knew that I am incapable of anything else, because of you. My fantasies of violence always involve beating someone who is scared, crying, and shaking, and feeling great empathy and love toward them as I do so. The tears stream down my face as I finally let it all out. I stop, flooded with immense guilt, I apologize, and I sob uncontrollably. I feel the impossible sensation of another person understanding me, as my fantasy victim and I commiserate in our shared pain. Mom, though we've been effectively estranged for years due to my avoidance, it feels so good to finally say a proper goodbye. I hope you meet the same fate as dad, I'll miss your funeral, as I missed his.