I am loosing it. M 45. F 30

Hello everyone

I wrote here several years ago about my long relationship coming to an end. After that I met a younger woman who ticked all the boxes: young, beautiful, wanted to have children and get married. She also met me on emotional and intimate levels. Something I had been missing alot.

She was still in a relationship when we met but we started dating. She said her relationship was boringly secure. And then sometime that there were no problems in her relationship. And then sometimes that she wasnt looking dor anybody else. So it chaned from time to time. I was also going through the final stages of my divorce. All in all in retrospect those still ongoing relationships caused harm and insecurities: she was considering going back to her ex (or continuing it) several times but I talked her back (I know I should have stopped it then and there). Finally she left his partner and we started dating.

My just ended long relationship became concrete when I moved on my own and I started going through the thoughts only then but my gf supported me. She still lived with her ex under the same roof. In her words they didnt sleep together anymore but now that I look back in our conversations I have been naive. I have no idea anymore what is true what she told me (her ex sleeping on the couch and she on a bed and then she letting her ex sleeping in the same bed cause she felt bad of him sleeping on the couch)

Our relationship was really intimate and in the beginning I was really romantic but her being uncertain and some other things happening in the beginning made me be cautious and I am not sure if I ever opened up completely anymore, trusting her.

On almost every conflict she was not the one to blame or then the mistake was somehow caused by my actions. So she was many times the victim. I felt like I couldnt talk to an adult but I also had to carry also her own bad feelings and be emphatetic. I felt I rarrly hot empathy from her or she could not support me when I was feeling bad by her actions. She also few times got other men involved in our arguments (giving number to men in a bar or hopping in bed with a colleague).

I know I am not a saint either. Lots of my problems stemmed from me not going through my divorce properly (not meaning going back or anything but just realizing and being at peace with it) but she was being emotionally sadistic at times.

She had lots of male friends who, in her words, had all fell in love with her in the beginning. She was also very flirty but in her words she didnt even know how to flirt or didnt know if someone was interested in her. She also met a new colleague at work who was around her age. They were teasing and playing with each other and when I felt jealous and bad about it she just said he is like a brother to her and what was even more soul crushing was that she said ”their energies match”. Something NOBODY wants to hear when the relationship is new. She also many times talked about herself being beautiful and that her looks might bw a threat to some women.

It felt like she always wanted to feel praise about her looks. Like she was really insecure underneath.

After those mishaps in the beginning she really started to invest in our relationship but I still didnt feel like myself around her. Like I was walking on eggshells. Like I wasnt sure when the next conflict was to arise and from where. It could be really small things.

All in all I started pushing her away subconsciously and she started to try get even closer to me.

After a few years she finally had enough of the relationship going nowhere and we broke up (mutual agreement). We had talked about it before but I felt things were going better. I went to visit my parents for a week further away from her. During that time she started to get distant and finally said the typical ”lets talk later”. Before that we were spending time more or less like a couple. Slept together, cooked together. When I left she even said she is already missing me. But after I left she started changing. She started messaging less, taking time to answer. Finally saying that this is it. Even though we had agreed on breaking up I felt we might have been doing better.

After few months now I am in full panic mode. We had broke up and got back together several times so maybe it was better to break up but the way she did the break up was ugly. She literally said all our relationship was shitty (it was not) and it was a mistake. She got really nasty, cold and arrogant with me and we havent really talked since. She also ”vomited” over all our relationship and memories. Laughed at her sensitive messages in our chat etc.

It is like she wanted to rub in my face how she was popular among men already after the breakup. Seems like she had done something already before the breakup (we never lived together but close to each other).

Now I am more or less alone. Feeling empty and isolated. My self esteem is non existant. I feel like I am disappearing and nothing is worth anymore.

She on the other hand is partying, seeing other men and being really relaxed and happy already.

My question really is what to do with this emptiness and hollowness inside me? I feel like I am disappearing and I just want to sleep and not wake up. I keep having mini panic attacks even when I think about this. I have been thinking we both might have suffered of a trauma bond and that she also has narsistic features. I just dont know how to cope with all this.