Have you had your first van life mental break down yet?( first break down ever actually.)

don’t worry it will come. i (19M) haven’t even left man what the flip! coming to realizations suck, especially if you realized you gave up your friends, your job, and your girlfriend.. coming to the realization of leaving the person that has done nothing but bring me joy and happiness for what? to be cool? to get some bitches? to do drugs? to skate? I FUCKING SUCK AT SKATEBOARDING!!! (please why can’t i land a shuv/pop shuv it’s been a year.) even through the hard times she’s everything to me. i feel nothing but guilt and loneliness and sadness. i hate myself, what is wrong with me? she’s my best friend, my soulmate. i wanted to buy a ring but i blew it for desire. van life to me is special but i don’t want to do it alone. i wanted it to be us… i’ve never been so alone in my entire life. i have problems. i’m addicted to porn man, there i said it. and it gives me desires for more and i’ve realized but i’m not proud.. at all. i want to change. i want just want her, ive never felt for any like this in my entire life. 3 best years of my entire life, but i want it to be us forever. in the small time we’ve been apart i haven’t done anything but be a fucking loser. probably because i am a loser. but i dont even want her body. i’m willing to give it up as long as i need to, forever. i need her. i’m nothing without. i’m going to change.
(p.s. this is my first time making a post(i think) im also really stoned, but it was the last of the weed i saved myself because i have to quit today. like i said i want to change. four days no willy wackin btw.