The Loneliness is Settling In

This hurts. I’ve been quietly reading on this sub for a little over a month, maybe more I haven’t really been able to keep track of time. Nothing feels real anymore. My friend put it perfectly for me, I’ve been terrorized for so long how do I go back to normal when I have no idea what that feels like.

I went from an off and on again relationship that last 10+ years with someone who I realize may have BPD or at least has some traits but was much more calculated (I used to just think it was primarily NPD or that they were just abusive or that it was just all my fault), and it honestly makes a lot more sense looking back on it all. Then I unfortunately found myself in a far worse more intense situation with someone I thought was genuine. Someone I thought who cared. Truly cared. Truly saw me for me. Truly wanted me. Truly loved me and could give me what I’ve been looking for. I found him. I thought. But I’m realizing he found me. Rather preyed on me. I don’t know which one is more dangerous because this one is so reckless and unhinged I don’t actually know what he’s capable of.

He turned every one of my vulnerabilities against me. I’ve never been spoken to so cruelly before in my entire life. Why did I accept it? I’m picturing my child self sitting there reading his horrific texts. Racist, homophobic, brutal, just so mean. How could someone that professes their love, say they want to marry you, have kids with you, be so cruel (I know the answer but how). My brain just can’t comprehend and it’s just been going in loops for the last 6months. I feel like I lived a lifetime with this man in 6 months. I was going through so much at the same time and held it together. I was on edge at home, at work. A constant state of panic for months and made it thru and only friends that I told knew. Otherwise I kept a smile on my face. Rather just avoided everyone and everything. And now. I’m sitting here after ending things after multiple attempts out of fear and my own sanity and future. And I am so lonely. Why is sitting with myself so hard? Why don’t I feel like I’m enough? Or am I just addicted to the cycle. I’ve been longing for safety, peace and quiet. My body is so addicted to chaos it doesn’t know what to do right now. I know it will get better. I’m fighting with myself to not reach out to abusive ex’s out of comfort. I’ve turned to every poor coping skill in the past. But the universe keeps giving me the same lesson because I haven’t learned what I needed to yet. And if I don’t do it now, then when will I? I don’t have it in me to do any more rounds like this. I’m afraid it’ll just get worse and I might not be so lucky.

Looking for support.