I almost killed myself last night and my boyfriend went to bed

I feel like I could start laughing maniacally like in the movies like what. I told him I needed help and that I wanted to go to the hospital and he said that we couldn’t afford it. I probably shouldn’t have but I just snapped and said that it would probably be worse if I ended up actually doing it and we lost an entire income, and he snapped also and said fine go to the hospital then and fuck us all over. We are already short on bills but it’s because I’m doing so bad mentally and I don’t know how to make him see that I am legitimately so close to stepping off of the edge like tomorrow I’m either leaving him or I’m killing myself one way or another I have to find a way out. I tried to tell him that all I wanted to hear from him tonight was that he was proud of me (granted it was for something small but Jesus after everything today I wassssss fucking reaching because he doesn’t seem like he cares anymore and I wanted to see) and he said do you NEED me to say I’m proud of you? So I’m just like no. I fucking dont. I almost killed myself and I stopped myself for some reason and woke you up because I thought you would help and you saw me with the pills and you just looked at me like I was stupid. You said you were going to go back to sleep. It was too much for you to handle. I went to an urgent clinic today and was there for 4 hours and he could barely even handle me catching him up on that. They almost hospitalized me. I had to beg them not to. I’m autistic and it would mess so many things up for me. I have too much going on but I also feel like I need it a little. I don’t know. My hospital isn’t a good one so I’m scared of that. I just want out. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I feel so alone. I weigh 116 lbs and I’m 5’8 and 26 years old. I am not okay. He’s watching me die and is okay with it as long as I’m still working and doing things for him and I don’t know what to do. It didn’t used to be like this. I don’t even have a car or any money and all my bills are behind. I feel like killing myself is the only option now. I’m just scared that all the options I have are too painful or not secure enough. Nothing is secure enough. Fuck.