How do you actually climb the ladder?

Barely passed the cut off for jee mains this year. Although results haven't come yet but I'm sure I fucked up my 12th boards. And no I didn't work hard at all. Went to give both attempts with last day revision, not even 50 percent syllabus done and even a good sound sleep right before the evening shift lol.

I still don't feel like a failure although I was at my peak till 10th nowhere near to what I am now.

Deleted all my socials because they felt way too performative and time consuming. And yet I don't seem to work hard for the drop year plan. Parents are supportive enough but they do expect me to get an iit Or nit (I feel shameful to talk about those institutes with the level of prep I have and the percentile I got). At my current level I don't deserve them. But I want to be worthy enough for em. A lot happened in these 2 years (shitty health, breakup, family issues, no personal space to study) but I can't go on blaming it on external factors when I myself never worked hard enough for this.

I have self sabotaging tendencies, I don't work hard and then it becomes the excuse for my results. Never really learnt to work hard. I had decided on drop year since April and now it's mid May and I haven't completed a single chapter thoroughly and can be confident about. Basically the same cycle again.

I really need help on how to break this for my own good and actually study to get what is actually deserve. I consider my preparation level at zero (not absolute zero but yeah). thinking of studying online from yt, have modules and test series and yet not studying. Please tell me what to do.