I realized my family will never truly understand me and we aren’t compatible

long vent, sorry

I was sexually abused by a family member for majority of my childhood from a very early age. It caused a lot of problems for me, I always struggled to grasp the concept of what family really is and why I didn’t act the same way with my parents as my sister did. I always tried my best to fit in, I wanted to be with them and share the same love she did, but I always messed up and I always knew it was because of how badly the abuse messed my mind up.

I never created problems for my parents, I never harmed my family, I was just considered ‘difficult’ because of how depressed and weird I acted when cornered/triggered (ptsd). I know I was difficult to deal with but I tried my best to always listen to everything my sister and my parents would say, I’d literally do anything I had no control and they got used to that. It’s been over a year now since I’ve told them everything about the abuse, how it impacted me, how I haven’t slept in a year because of night terrors, how to help me, I’ve told them everything more times than I can count. And still I get absolutely nothing. I’m used to them being this way when it comes to me, but I’m shocked. I was a child who got their childhood stolen from them and I struggle with everything now, I work so hard just to stay somewhat afloat. I’m nineteen, but I feel like they owe me atleast what I’ve asked for. I haven’t asked for much, I told them everything I needed help with but I barely asked for anything. I sound very reliant on my family and that is because I am. They’ve made me this way because they never knew the reason I struggled so much was because I was getting abused, they just thought this is how I am and I need to be coddled all the time.

A few days ago I got into a pretty big argument with my sister, this obviously escalated and turned into a full blown fight with my entire family against me. I know they care about me and love me, but I have told them if they want to show love this isn’t the right way, I’ve even told them what they can do instead, they do not care to listen. During this argument my dad ended up saying some things that made me realize my parents do not understand me. He implied that I was using my trauma/mental health as an excuse to be rude to him (I am only rude when they ignore me completely and that too is because I’m triggered and reminded of my abuser who treated me the same way. They know this they think I’m lying.) i always made sure to not repeat myself too much when talking about my trauma because it was my worst fear for them to think it’s not that important or that I’m using it as an excuse. And just that has happened now.

I am not a very difficult person to be around, they just accepted that they will never be able to change or do anything for me. My dad told me that he knows I’ll probably never speak to them again and he’s accepted it. I had told him that if nothing can be done about my abuse, I would probably disappear, so he’s basically just not going to try to help me at all and has accepted this outcome. That hurt me so so much and it still does. He even threatened to ‘disown’ me for something very stupid, which he took back very fast the next day (without apologizing of course). I have nobody to tell this to, so I’m sorry I’m writing so much.

But all this has made me realize what I have been chasing my entire life is unattainable. Something in me really broke that day and they don’t notice, because this is normal for them, they treat me this way then everything goes back to normal before another fight breaks out. I don’t think they realize how much their words affected me. Everything has changed now. I love them so much I wish I was like my sister and fit in as well. I will cherish the time I do have with them where I fit in. I’m extremely sad