how do i fix an overly avoidant personality?

i'm avoidant to the point that when i attempt to journal i find it very hard, embarrassing and confronting to mention even my mom, my family or my friends' names. i'm avoidant to the point that even when i had friends by my side to comfort and support me as i cried over a very personal issue, i felt anxious and scared when they called me with supportive, loving messages, or when they were so certain to try and help me with my issue or incorporate me into their friend group. i get scared when someone shows their genuine appreciation for me, i get anxious when people i like show some interest in me despite my desire to get closer to them.

but what i'm not scared of is hooking up with men on the internet at 1am, who i knew for less than 2 hours, or men with an inappropriate age gap and meeting them to smoke or other subjectively unhealthy things like drugs. there wasn't a pint of fear in my body when i had my first vape or first time, the only thing i might've felt was pain or discomfort before i wanted to do it all over again.

and this isn't some gender bias because my prior relationships had all been platonic with women and had failed. when a man tries to approach me with kindness, genuine romantic/platonic interest, i get scared and push them away or play hard to get, ultimately resulting in them leaving me alone which makes me sad, ironically. but when it's only a sexual, lustful desire i am immediately intrigued and open.

i think it's this: i naturally, primally want a sense of connection, because i am human and i have been devoid of true connection all my life. however, true connection feels too scary, and in response i turn to short term relationships that mimic a sense of strong affection i.e. lust and pleasure but does not have anything that needs commitment in the long run.

now that it's actively putting my life in danger, my question is this: how can i approach my friends that are truly trying to support me without making me feel very anxious and unsafe? and how can i learn to realise that true connection is safe, provides safety and is better in the long run?