I hate how much I've cried in the last month

It's making me so unpleasant to be around and ruining my mental health so much. My mind still being stuck on my ex after three goddamn years. I hate how many tears I keep shedding thinking about that woman despite how things ended so suddenly and she probably isnt a good person and she's nothing how she was back then. It just...hurts...so fucking much losing the first person to make you feel completely and utterly seen, valid in everyway, and never judged in anyway. The first person to make you experience so many small joys like hearing someone sleep, being completely enamored with every infodump, listening to a new album together, staring at the ocean together through a video screen, etc. Being told by others just how shit their life has gone since, how every relationship of theirs has ended in betrayal or with shitty people that just want her money or her body, how their family members keep passing away, how their physical problems keep piling up, and knowing you cant help and any help you could give isnt wanted anyway. I hate how despite all the broken promises, my body having painful and anxiety inducing physical reactions hearing about their life since or imagining the experiences we planned on having, the amount of times I've tortured myself into sobbing just by listening to our favorite songs, etc my stupid heart cant let go. Everyone tells me to forget or just try my best to hate her, but I cant no matter how hard I try.

It hurts so much and I hate it...Sorry to anyone who actually reads this shit, especially if you know me.