Why Do I Seek Out Ab*sive-like 🌽?

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TW: Talk of r*pe, p*rn and m*sturb*tion

Some important context:

I am a trans man. 29 yo. I was brutally r*ped 10 years ago, well before I came out. I also want to make it clear that everything I watch is staged/"kink," but for me, I don't see it as kink.

I hate it. I hate myself. After my r*pe, I couldn't ever finish when masturbating until I started seeking out p*rn that reminded me of that assault. It makes me feel angry and shameful. I wouldn't say I'm addicted to p*rn, but at the same time, I constantly fight my newfound libido (testosterone) bc I know that if I give in, I'll eventually feel the urge to remind myself of the assault, whether that be through p*rn or just actively seeking out reminders of my ex.

I know that, logically, my brain doesn't work like it did before the assault. But I just can't help but feel disgusting. I wish it didn't happen. Any tips on shifting myself out of this heaviness?