Title: In-laws moving across the country to “be closer” to DH

I just entered my third trimester this week, and thanks to the encouragement from my past posts, we still haven’t shared our pregnancy news with my in-laws.

Now there’s a new stressor: they’ve officially listed their house for sale and are planning to move across the country to our very high cost-of-living area. They explicitly told DH they want to move to be “closer to him because they’re old now” (they’re in their early 60s). They were explicit in mentioning only “HIM” twice.

I told DH I thought that incredibly selfish comment based on their dynamics. They’ve chosen to move away from him for over 20 years, since he was a teenager, and he had been so lonely. Now suddenly there’s urgency to be close. Our therapists have warned that they may be seeing DH as their retirement plan, and this is starting to show (along with some recent behaviors they exhibited as well).

The timing is what’s really stressing me out. Since their house is already listed, they could be here within the next 1–2 months. Also, they wanted to fly out ASAP after the sale to search for rentals and expect they’d stay with us to avoid paying for temporary housing.

We cannot host them, especially with me entering the final stretch of pregnancy. I have no desire to be around them 24/7 while already managing late pregnancy, and we have so much to prepare before baby arrives.

On top of that, they don’t even know about the pregnancy yet. Hosting them would mean letting them into a very private part of our lives before we’re ready, and I have no doubt JNMIL would snoop for clues or grill us about things we don’t want to share yet, like the gender or exact due date. I don’t want to have to hide my ultrasounds photos on my fridge or the baby clothes (that would reveal the gender) and be uncomfortable in a place I should be nesting in the next few months.

DH wants to share the news soon, but with strict boundaries: no mention of whether this was naturally conceived or via embryo transfer, no exact due date (he plans to say late August even though we’re due early August), and absolutely no gender reveal until after birth. We also don’t expect their help, since we have childcare arranged for.

It comes from their past behavior: years of pressure about us having kids, gender bias (sons “better” than daughters), emotional blackmail around DH being her “only son,” invasive questioning during our embryo freezing process (embryo numbers, sex), and obvious gender disappointment. Recently, JNMIL even took a nanny gig “for practice” assuming she’ll be our future child’s caregiver. And all of this is without them knowing the pregnancy yet, I honestly can’t imagine what it will turn into once they do.

I wish we felt excited to share this with them the way we did with my side of the family. But I’ve learnt to accept after over a decade, the way they see me is that I’m just their only son’s wife, and if our child’s a boy, their future golden grandson’s mother.

I think we already know what boundaries need to be held and we will have to share the news eventually. I’m mostly here seeking comfort and emotional support from you all here who understand this kind of dynamic as I navigate this.🤍🤍