afraid of the “me” that smiles in distress

i’m not sure how to format this because i’m just really scared but i keep having flashbacks of myself in deep distress and dissociations , and i remember so vividly the way that i smile when i caught myself in the mirror. i’ve analyzed objectively that it exists because its the way it confirms its fronting, like my little using oral fixations, but the way i remember myself and my body looking back so lifelessly and smiling back to myself haunts me and i hate that i have become something that can be so horrifying.

i know it exists to protect me and my emotions, i know all of that in my brain, but to the emotions i feel i just can’t help but be afraid of myself and it makes me afraid of my body in a way idk