Can't stop thinking about suicide

I was at a highly toxic job that gave me OCD and a high degree of anxiety, to the point where I wasn’t able to lead a normal life. I quit the job. One month after that, I started to develop an existential crisis and nihilistic thoughts, to the point of questioning why I even exist. I developed suicidal ideation, and I reached out to close ones, but no one seemed to understand me or show any urgency, which made me even more suicidal. I was very close to committing when my survival instinct kicked in.

Now I have been having suicidal ideation for 2 months. It’s like I don’t want to get better and just want to not exist. I know exactly how I can get better — find a purpose, a meaningful community, and hobbies — but I’m stuck at the question of why I should do it. We know our lives have no inherent meaning and that we should attach meaning to them ourselves, but that doesn’t convince me to do it. I can’t afford therapy or medication. Also, I am not getting any callbacks from job applications. My parents are poor, I live with them, and they are barely able to afford basic necessities.

I know some of you might say I should live for them and take care of them, but I don’t feel like I owe them anything. From the time I finished my studies, I have been working jobs to take care of them. I don’t see any point in living. To me, it feels selfish to live just for their sake.

I have had a history of mental health issues for the past 10 years, including social anxiety and depression, and I have been on medication for the past few years. I stopped because I don’t have any money. I am tired of surviving, and I don’t want a life where I’m barely surviving.