It's so easy to justify things in the addict's mind

It's been a couple of months or even years with the occasional cig that I'd bum from a colleague. Sometimes it's just the one, friday after work, with a beer.

But they smoke regular cigs and it doesn't please me as much as a rolled cigarette would.

Every now and then I break and buy some tobacco. Except at the rate of the odd cig here and there - which I wouldn't mind if it weren't for the addiction part - it lasts me months. The tobacco gets all dry and disgusting, which isn't nice, but more than anything I know where it is. Five levels deep in a stashbox, only to be opened on special occasions.

The least amount of stress I get, my.mind goes upstairs, to the attic, in the box there's a plastic bag. I feel like Gollem/Smeagol, wanting it and not wanting it all at the same time. My addict mind can justify anything.

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Last week I had a week off from work. The weather was amazing and I worked in the garden 3 days. Smashing alcohol free IPA's in the sun, chainsawing the shit out of some logs, bushwhacking, etc etc. On the weekend my sister in law visited with her husband and their kids. The one kid is 4 and relentless. Shouting all the time, needing attention all the time. Sunday I was broken. I could not keep up with this kid. I did my best and kept going, but everybody could see I was messed up. I kept saying I was just tired, but everybody knew.

Mondaymorning I stopped at the gas station. Bought a pack of cigs and smoked one while driving to work. And then a few more at work. Tuesdays I work from home and I took 2 cigs from the pack for that and put the rest in a colleague's drawer. Tuesday I smoked those cigs during the day. Wednesday back in the office I smoked one cig from the drawer. Thursday nothing and friday 1 or 2 again.

I guess that makes it day 4 of being smokefree. I'm at the office. The colleague who I'd smoke with is right in front of me. I didn't crack yesterday and I'm not gonna crack today. But man it is hard. I got this though, I'm done.