what do i do

i can't bear my life anymore. i was once suicidal, i'm not anymore, but i wish i was. i want to live life and i want to enjoy life but i just can't, i wish i could live life but i just can't bear my existence, i don't want to die, i really don't want to but i don't want to live, not this way. i'm hopeless, i have no faith, no religion, i don't have anyone to pray to. i don't have close friends, my family wouldn't understand half of what i would say if i tried talking to them, my head is such a mess and every time i think i'm getting better it all goes down again. i believe there's a beauty to life, i really do, but i just can't reach it, i feel like i can't have anything. i have interests, i love art, i love music, i love animals, i love a lot of things, but none of this brings me joy anymore, nothing brings me joy, my life is a constant coping mechanism. i really, REALLY want to live, but it's like the world wants me dead, i'm so, so fucking hopeless. i lost all my childhood, i lost all my teenagehood, because of things out of my control. all the time, ALL the time in these past few days was spent on my head, wishing things were different. i don't know why i'm staying here, i tried to kill myself once, but i failed, i really wish i didn't.