Tired of pity

When I think of how I survived my childhood, I think yes, I was victimized and it was cruel and unfair but I also think it was a testament to my intelligence and resilence and resourcefulness.
Mind you, I dont mind sympathy or understanding or empathy being directed at me, but I often get this biting feeling that society or people in general would almost prefer if it if I felt weaker about it, more ashamed, more ...... ready to be pitied. I often get the feeling, people LIKE it when a victim is well, precisely just that, a victim, easy to look down on, to feel like they have easy advice anyone could think of to offer like "dont be ashamed" - when I am not even ashamed of it.

What do I have to be ashamed of? I am angry. I am pissed. The feelings I associate with my trauma are a mix of deep-seated rage and loneliness. But I also feel a sense of pride. Yes, every time I think of it, every time I loop over the trauma in my childhood again, I am filled with pride, too. Theres not an ounce of shame in it.

tw : mentions of csa, some level of descriptions of attempted csa/actual csa

I always tried to defend myself. When my father tried to sexually abuse me, I didnt let him. I was so strong. Why cant that ever be what gets acknowledged, instead?

I was so smart and strong as a child. I was so true to myself, I always put my gut instinct over what my father told me. I got up, I physically fought back, I removed myself from the situation.

I did this for years, starting when I was 6 til about when I was 13/14 and my mother finally seperated from him. He didnt get to rape me, not once. He tried to get my defenses down. He employed so many different strategies to attempt to get me to just hold still and let him sexually abuse me, but I never did.

I got insulted by him, I got verbally spat on for this rejection. He tried to manipulate me, he tried to leverage me being a child that naturally wants her fathers care and affection as a bargaining chip to try to get me to go along with it, but I didnt. I decided instead I dont want his care or affection, at all. That I do not need him. That I can try to take care of myself as best as I can, cause I am never going to betray myself for a guy posing as my father, thats basically just a stranger I was forced to live with growing up, that happens to also have donated the sperm that made me.

But know what that did leave me with? The less easy to sympathize with and understand anger and rage. I mean who wants to hear about a little 10 year old girl that nearly stabbed her fathers eye out during an sexual assault attempt he made on her, cause she had enough ENOUGH of years of him CONSTANTLY trying to waltz over her and erase her physical boundaries and gaslight her by telling her shes overdramatic, overreacting, hes not doing anything wrong, that it wouldve been better if she had never been born, thats shes a waste of life for daring to say no to him? Constantly trying to bribe me with gifts and false affections, when I had already seen what hes ACTUALLY like. Constantly trying to fuck with my head all with the sole of goal of getting to finally making me just play along and hold still. Isnt it understandable that id get this angry? That id be this pissed?

I am proud that I never believed his grooming lies, when he himself told me about his pedophilia, explained it to me with animes that showed it in an acceptable light. Though I did feel pity for him at first, cuz he said society would judge him for this, even though he would never hurt a child. Then over time dwelved into explaining to me, how hed never hurt a child, but if the child said yes it would not be hurting it.. so if I said yes. Its insane to think I felt pity for my father at first, when really it was more or less just a strategy to attempt to get me to pity him so much id forget all about my gut instinct telling me this is all horrid, fucked up, and I dont want it. I am proud that in spite of having had an actual reaction of empathy with my shitstain of a father at first, I snapped the fuck out of it, when I realized he was manipulating me. I was doubting myself cause he was so heavy on the verbal abuse, but I still stuck with what I BELIEVED was right. And that was that he was a manipulative bastard, and it doesnt matter how much its technically true hes "my father".

I am proud of the fact that I reacted with rage. I am proud that after the many times hes tried to hold me on his lap, refused to let go of me, started saying sexual things to me, whispering my ears, starting to you know, get that .. voice. Started to breathe at me. Started to try to touch me sexually in less overt ways, like my ears, my neck... I finally snapped, after having held in so many violent fantasies towards to start with in silent. I feel proud of the fact that I instinctively picked up that ballpoint pen from behind us on his desk, and held it up to his eye as fast as I could and asked him, "Would you die if I stabbed that in?" which was a sincere question back then I had. I had been fantasizing about killing him. And if im honest, I am proud of that TOO. I am proud of that I reacted with anger, with the instinct to fight, to defend myself. Even if with the many attempts hes made to sexually assault me I had to somehow fight myself out of, it got closer and closer to genuine escalation on my side.

I feel proud of seeing the fear in my fathers eyes. Sure he let go of me again a million times before simply because I kept fighting back, wriggling, telling him to stop, wriggling out of his grasp and running, sure I never had an issue to fire back in the verbal conflict afterwards, no matter how much his words were hurting me, no matter how confused it made me my father would say things this cruel to me, I still always felt I WAS IN THE RIGHT. And I held onto that. But seeing him not just let go of me, not even think of anything insulting to say to me, no rage, just him freezing up for a second... letting me go, in a careful voice saying that he doesnt think id really wanna do that, with me telling him, yes I do.

That felt *GOOD*. That felt like winning, at least one BATTLE in this shitty fucking war he started on me since ive been 6 years old. I am proud of that.

I am proud of the way I decided to cut off my need of love and affection and caretaking from him, I am proud of choosing myself. What I dont understand is why the world wants me to make myself sound like a bigger victim than I was, why the world has to project so much bullshit onto me. Like im ashamed. Like id need *their reassurance* that I am NOT broken. I know I am not broken. I am not broken because I stood up for myself, because I believed myself over his filthy, disgusting lies.

But then, I do need understanding, for my anger, for this rage. For the harmful thoughts I have. I dont want them to be made taboo, a bad thing. My anger has protected me. My sense of self is as strong as it bcz I held onto that anger. And yet esp during my teens I think I was very close to genuinely comitting genuine crimes just because of that anger, because I was always so triggered, bcz even if my mom left my dad by the time I was 13, this having to always be on guard, having to be quick to defend myself, to fight back, esp FROM men, stuck with me. It sucked to feel so isolated with that. There was a time when I was about 16, where I felt constantly on the brink of hurting the dumb boys in class around me, that were making sexist remarks, that were sexually harassing girls, that talked shit about sexual abuse and rape victims. One time during Home ED, one boy that was pretty chronic at sexually harassing girls in our class, and I mean, more extremely so than other boys his age, idk what his issue was tbh. He was pretty out of it. He stepped up to me, started sexually harassing me, starting to lean in from behind and breathed on my neck.. and just wouldnt fucking leave when I told him to, I got so angry that I really strongly considered using the knife in my hands that I was cleaning, to make him stop. If he doesnt get it any other way. If they just do not get the "No" any other way. Luckily back then a girl in my group saw the situation, unlike him, she noticed how hard I was looking at that knife in my hands, and she intervined and started to tell him back off as well. Which allowed me to just leave the fucking situation. Left the knife in the Sink and went across the room, just to get distance from him.

In a sick way I am even proud of that. I know that wouldve likely landed me in jail, but I am not sorry for what I almost did here. I am glad I have since calmed down a lot and my nervous system as I grew into a adult, with a lot of books on cptsd, and practices I put myself through, has been less on edge, so that I dont experience this hot cutting rage that acts me to nearly act violent as much anymore.

But I am proud of the fact that I posessed that level of anger. And I refuse to see myself as out of it for it. My internals reactions were completely in synch and appropiate. Obviously, its still good I did not actually commit a crime. Even if in all honestly, only for the negative consequences it wouldve brought me.

I am proud of myself. But I feel lonely. I feel like people would tell me its wrong to be angry. That theres something wrong with me. Or that I am doing being a victim wrong. That I should be different, that I should be a people-pleaser, that I should be ashamed of myself, that I should be weak and easy to pity. Easy to look down on. But I dont want to pretend to be those things, just so people acknowledge that what my father did to me was monstrous, I did not deserve it, and that I am both have been victimized, and still have responded to that in a very brave, ultimately very consistent, cuz it went on for years, way that shows I really mean it when I say I trust my own gut instinct, and I will trust my own instincts far over what anyone else tells me. Be it my father, or be it whoever. I am proud of that. I think its a genuine achievment to have never once let him go as far as he wanted to. When he told me to undress for massages, I refused, even when he got so angry, I stepped away. When he touched me between my legs, I didnt let him do it for longer than the few seconds it took me to realize where he was going with this, and I left.

Is it to much to ask for the societal reaction, or peoples average reaction not to be pity but instead a "You did well. Even if you had no parent guiding you, you did well. You took care of yourself. You are strong." ? I dont want to be looked at like im weak or fragile, or like im broken. And I dont want people to react with confusion when I get offended when they assume im ashamed...

Also disclaimer ik I detailed a very emotional scene of near violence when I was 16, but I obviously do not adovcate for retaliation or revenge. It is illegal. Its not worth it. Its more important to put attention into bettering ones life, and taking everything back, than to seek revenge and get send into jail for it.