i don't feel like a borderline.

I'm diagnosed with BPD. i fit a lot of the symptoms required for the diagnosis. i have very frequent mood swings, an unstable sense of self, i have a long history of self harm, substance abuse and suicidal ideation/attempts to take my own life.

But certain things that other borderlines experience feel so strange to me.

i know ghosting is common in people with BPD, but it's described both by medical professionals and by people who have the disorder themselves as a defensive mechanism. something you do because you feel threatened or when you're overwhelmed with stress.

i don't ghost like that. i ghost because i get bored of people. the emotional dependence i used to have fades away completely in a matter of seconds, and when i realise that person isn't adding anything to my life, i lose the need to keep them close.

i don't react to abandonment the way i should. i don't beg people to stay. i feel no need to desperately cling on to someone if i know, whether through a rational thought process or not, that they want to leave me. that doesn't mean I'm not scared people might leave, it just means when that fear is enabled, my emotions switch off. I'm not going to plead with you. i don't chase. if you want to leave, you're free to do so. i don't care, and i can't tell if that sentiment is true or if I've convinced myself that it is.

i like toying with people from time to time. not always, but i recognise that I've done it in the past. it's interesting to see how people react to different circumstances. it helps me understand the way their minds work better.

it feels like my emotions are overly volatile. there's periods of my life where I'm overly emotional and react strongly to any minor trigger, but there's also periods of my life where i feel completely disconnected. like no matter what happens, i can't bring myself to actually care. my sense of empathy changes drastically as well. I'm extremely empathetic on day, completely engulfed in the idea of loving people and wanting to be loved back, wanting to do things for people just to make them smile, without anything in return. the next day, however, it's like the switch has been turned off. like i can no longer feel anything for anyone, i don't care about being understood, being taken care of. i don't need any kind of emotional connection. i stop doing things because i like doing them and start doing things because they mean I'm getting something back. then it's back to being emotionally involved as if the change never even happened.

it feels like i have two different people living in my head, but both of them are me. i can't understand why i act so emotional when I'm apathetic, and i can't understand how i can be so apathetic when I'm emotional. i recognise myself in both, but the other doesn't feel right when it isn't actively on display. it's as if i have two distinct personalities, each with their own personal goals, but they switch somewhat randomly.

not sure if anyone is going to be able to relate, i mostly just wanted to get this written out.

thanks for reading.