My Pain

Everything you said that I have put you through, that has caused you all this pain I have validated even when I wasn’t aware I was causing you pain. I validated anything and everything that I have done, it was never not intentional. It was not leading you on. It was not breadcrumbs. It was not in way shape or form a way to hurt you purposefully. You were never an afterthought and I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. You are/were my wife and the mother of my children and I love you dearly and I’m sorry I had to make you wait for me to realize all of this. To finally see I have a problem.

What about my pain? What about these feelings that I feel right now? I have never been an emotional person. I normally like to hold my emotions in and I normally deal with it myself and maybe that is not healthy and maybe I’m wrong for doing that. The goddamnit woman don’t you see real true emotions on my face? Don’t you see the guilt and the shame and the realization of what I have done that I’m carrying? Does that not mean anything, does that not mean I have realized the errors of my thinking and an actions? You can call me whatever you want, whatever technical term there might be for me, but the truth is I’ve realized I have issues and I know you may think it’s too late but it’s never too late. Would there be more pain in working this out, possibly, but it be worth it for a better understanding and foundation of moving forward, together.

Hope. Hope, it’s not a thing to think foolishly of. You’ve had hope for so long that I would see the errors of my ways and I finally have and now I have to hope that you will see that I’m serious and that I am going to change. I have to hold onto something, I have to grab at something. Hope is all I got, hope is what’s keeping me going. Hope that deep down you still love me and care for me as much as I do you. I am truly sorry for losing control over my emotions and for snapping at you and hurting you again. But you’ll never see this probably. I don’t think you’d care. I’m trying to give you space and leave you be and it’s hard because I so badly want to reach out and plead my case.

What about my pain? What about the fact that everywhere and anywhere I go you and I have pretty much been there. It’s painful. It has been excruciating for me so much so I lay down at night and wished to never wake up. Your pain is real. Your emotions are real. And so are mine. Every day without you, I die a little bit inside. I’ve been an avoidant, a narcissist, or whatever else you can think of I truly never saw it. Every memory that I have of you is pain every memory of you laughing, laughing so hard that you snort. Tickling you and making you squirm. Us kissing and your soft lips on mine. Us laying in bed, just staring at each other and me falling in love with you all over again. You fitting into my arm snuggly. Us together making love. Our children being born and tears streaming down my face. Us being flirty with each other everywhere we went. The dirty phone conversations we used to have. I miss those days and I’m sorry that they ended and I wish so badly to go back to that. And all of that brings me pain.

You want me to let you go, but I don’t think I could ever truly do that. I will always want for us to be together. I will spend the rest of my days doing the things that I should’ve done to begin with, if given the chance. You know who I am, you’ve seen this page. You’ve probably read some of the stuff I posted you just won’t reply. Is it because you feel the same way I do? Let your guard down just a bit. Let me in slowly let me show you what I should’ve been and still can be. Don’t discard me like I was never nothing to you, like trash on the street. 18 years. It wasn’t a waste of life. We have a lot to show for it. I want more many many more years of showing you who I can truly be. Not just for you, for our family.

The real pain is the hurt I caused and the realization coming too late. The real pain is living with the consequences, and no escape.