How to continue when it's all pointless in the end?

Thinking about living for the rest of my life scares me. I don't think I'll ever get over this feeling. I've weigh the cost of living, and I've decided it's not worth it. Of course, I'm not going to kill myself. But god it seems exhausting.

Starting college next year, don't know for what subject yet, but it pains me to think about all the work I will need to do, the rigor of it all. I just want to be a bum all day every day, man.

I've tried to enjoy life, believe me. However, that only lasts for a week or two, then it's back to the same routine-doomscrolling, sleeping late, waking late, no exercise, no reading, etc. It's been what 5-6 years now, of this self-hatred, of this despair at life. Nothing sticks, man.

I think I'm always going to be a loser, a loser venting to AI, wasting water and destroying the environment for words that honestly don't even help.

How can someone live without a purpose, without meaning? What's the point? I just... would rather not. It would be easier if I just believed in a god or something.