Processing a break up with a man who has the same name as my abusive ex

I guess i wanna just clarify first that we were never officially boyfriend and girlfriend. We would have gone official if i hadn’t made the decision to move abroad later this month. However, we had a strong connection and wanted to enjoy my last few months together.

I’ve only ever dated one guy before and it was a situation of grooming and abuse, which left me very traumatised. This new guy happened to have the same name as my ex which was really heavy for me, but i never told him that. Before I ever met him (we met on Hinge) i had panic attacks because of the name, but there was so much that i liked about him that i wanted to try and look past that. He was also the first person i seriously tried to date since my last relationship. I was open to him from the beginning about me having trauma and how it may manifest in ugly ways sometimes. He was always supportive but, like most guys, i don’t think he actually understood how bad it could get

The last time we saw each other we spent the night in a hotel in the city i used to live in, where my other relationship happened. I left because of the trauma but i go back all the time to visit friends, and he happened to be visiting family in a city nearby so we decided to book a room and spend a night together. It was pretty fun, until in the middle of the night i had a bad breakdown and broke into tears. I tried to leave but he woke up and saw me, asked me to stay. In the morning i tried to end things gently with him and i can’t even remember what he said but i ended up leaving sobbing. So it was my decision to end things. A few hours later i spiralled even worse and i sent him so many texts. He was supportive but said he was with family so we couldn’t talk. Then the next day i asked him if he wanted to try to get back together and try again and he blocked my phone. I lost it and bombarded him everywhere i could think of and he blocked me on instagram but unblocked my phone and told me to stop. He didn’t block me again until a few days later, and during that time i incessantly texted him. I was truly so scared of being so close to my ex and scared of hurting myself and i was hurt that he wasn’t by my side. I know that night was heavy for this guy too and he needed space. I feel disgusted and rrgret it deeply.

I called him using a google voice number, about a week ago. He told me i was being manipulative and we could not be friends in the future if i didn’t stop. I promised to stop. He said he would unblock my instagram eventually. I understand that what i did was manipulative even if i didn’t mean it that way. He had said that he would always consider me a friend if and when we meet again. I don’t know if he means it or the Instagram thing, but if he doesn’t i just wish he hadn’t said it.

Yesterday i texted him, thinking for sure i was blocked everywhere. I wanted to get some stuff of my chest without breaking my promise to him. From the google voice number in the morning i texted him the apology i wish i could have given him and it delivered. I apologised and promised i would respect his space. Then in the afternoon from my phone, just saying i wanted to see if i wad still blocked because i wanted to use his number to vent. It went through which was even more surprising to me. Again i just said a quick sorry.

I don’t understand why he unblocked me and i know i shouldn’t overthink it but it’s just so confusing for me. I feel really humiliated and shitty for everything i did and for losing someone who i care about so much because i can’t handle my trauma better. Ik this is a lot sorry but i’m to embarrassed to tell my friends any if it