I [34M] realized my jealousy over the past of the woman I am seeing [32F] is actually me mirroring my abusive father. Has anyone successfully navigated this kind of breakthrough?

Background:

I am a man currently seeing a woman, and we have an incredibly strong connection. However, I have struggled with extreme jealousy and suspicion regarding her history. She had a very chaotic past. She struggled with heavy drinking and blackouts. She also dealt with porn addiction, had overlapping partners, and kept very blurred boundaries with her male friends. She constantly needed validation and attention from the opposite sex. Until recently, I felt a deep need to investigate her past, interrogate her choices, and manage her life to feel secure.

The Breakthrough:

Through therapy and a lot of heavy introspection, I just had a massive realization. I have not been looking at her through my own eyes. I have been looking at her through my father’s eyes.
I grew up watching my father emotionally and physically abuse my mother. He controlled her by constantly accusing her of seeking male attention and treating her freedom as a crime. I internalized his paranoia. I realized that my need to monitor the woman I am seeing is not my actual instinct. It is just me repeating my father's toxic patterns. I have been treating her like a suspect because I was taught to view a free woman as a threat.

Her Side of the Story:

I also finally connected the dots on her past. Her father was an alcoholic who passed away when she was 16. Her chaotic years were not just recklessness but actual survival tactics. When the most important man in her life abandoned her through death, she hoarded male validation so she would never feel that void again. Those male friendships provided a constant layer of attention that made her feel safe, and the drinking and porn were ways to numb her grief.
My mother survived my abusive father by going quiet and making herself invisible. The woman I am seeing survived her father's death by getting loud and seeking constant connection. They are two different responses to the same kind of masculine instability.

The Turning Point:

A few nights ago, I had a nightmare where she playfully told me no, and I hit her. The instant it happened in the dream, I did not feel powerful. I felt absolute, crushing devastation. I woke up crying and immediately told her about the dream. She just hugged me. That nightmare forced me to face my absolute worst fear, which is becoming my father and destroying the person I care about. The pure devastation I felt proved to me that my core is empathy and not a desire for control.

Where We Are Now:

I am laying down my weapons. I no longer want to be her investigator or her manager. I see her scars now, and I feel immense kindness and empathy for the 16-year-old girl who just wanted to be safe. We are both standing in the wreckage of what our fathers left us with, and we are trying to build something healthy together.

My Questions for the Community:

1 For anyone who has unlearned abusive family dynamics, how did you handle the physical lag in your nervous system? My brain knows I am safe, but my body still occasionally spikes with that old paranoid adrenaline.

2 How do you fully transition from feeling the need to save or manage someone to just standing beside them?

3 Has anyone successfully built a healthy relationship when both partners are actively dismantling this level of childhood trauma?

TL;DR: I used to deeply judge the chaotic past of the woman I am seeing. I just realized my suspicion is an internalized echo of my abusive father controlling my mother. I also realized her past was a trauma response to losing her alcoholic dad at 16. I am actively in therapy, and I am trying to stop managing her life. Looking for advice from people who have successfully broken generational trauma in their relationships.