Please tell me how do I just genuinely get over whatever happened and move on, I need to get over the grief if I want to live.

Can someone please actually tell me how exactly do I stop grieving so much and actually just accept my life and move on.

I did have a terrible childhood and teenage years, but I just really cannot do anything about it right now except just accepting whatever happened, happened. At least I was mostly abused emotionally and mentally; physical abuse, sexual abuse was way less. Here are people who experienced so much severe abuse yet are able to overcome it, while I just can't stop grieving about my life.

I keep feeling grief whenever I see even a normal person. Even normal people's problems have started giving me grief, and I am becoming so bitter even after having it bad but not that bad. Like I am just being too bitter and dramatic. Otherwise my life was still fine, but I literally keep obsessing over my life and have an extreme urge to go back in time and change everything.

I keep fighting with my brain 24/7. Sometimes I feel too evil and think that my parents were actually right, I am just an evil person. Sometimes I feel the opposite: why the hell was my life like this? Why am I damaged forever? I just can't stop fighting with my brain 24/7.

The only way to escape it seems like killing myself, which ironically I don't want to do out of spite.

I let my parents abuse me, gaslight me, let them make my life hell, let them control my everything, even my brain, for my whole life till now. When I am finally free from their thoughts, like not fully, but still, at least when I am not anymore able to fully let them gaslight me, manipulate me, then how can I give up now.

I just want to live out of spite.

I know it won't give me anything. I will just kill myself someday later, but I want to live till that day. I want to get educated, earn a living. I want to be free from this house. I don't want even my death to be because of them. Like even if it's later because of them, I will have the satisfaction that I tried whatever I could. But if I die now, I will feel like I died too early.

But if I actually want to live and accept life even if it seems like hell, I should at least stop my brain from fighting. But I am just not able to stop grieving, feeling sad, hopeless. Why can't I just go with the flow and work or study instead of fighting with myself only forever.

Why can't I just go with one side.

Either I die and end it all, accept that my life was bad, future is gonna be even worse and then die.

Or I can just try living for some time, but if I am living, at least live happily and peacefully.

Can someone please tell me, as people who literally have it so bad and much worse here, how do you guys just continue living??

I am finding it so difficult to get over the fact that my two decades of life are already gone, living in suffering, and the more years I live, it's gonna be worse and even more difficult. But if I still wanna live, then at least live happily or at least peacefully. I want to just shut down my brain.