My kid thinks my name is Mom but lately I feel like my real name is Soap and Water

I am sitting here on my bathroom floor for exactly five minutes of peace and the only thing I can think about is how much I actually hate the smell of lavender. You know how every single "calming" product for women or babies is drenched in that artificial purple scent. It is supposed to make me feel like a zen goddess but honestly it just reminds me of diaper pails and late night scrubbing sessions. I was at the store earlier trying to find a simple body wash that does not smell like a botanical garden exploded and I realized I have lost the ability to just be a person who likes things for herself. Everything I buy has to be "gentle" or "tear-free" or "multi-purpose" because God forbid I own one item that belongs strictly to me.

The mental load of keeping a tiny human clean and presentable while my own hair is held up by a clip and a prayer is getting to me today. I spent twenty minutes fighting a toddler to wash his hands after he decided the mud in the backyard looked like chocolate only to realize I have been walking around with a mysterious sticky stain on my shoulder for probably four hours. I do not even care what it is anymore. That is the stage of motherhood I am at. If it is not wet and it does not smell like literal garbage I am just going to keep moving. I see these posts on here about elaborate ten step skincare routines and I just wonder who these people are. Do they not have someone screaming for more juice the second they put on a face mask.

I finally got him down for a nap and instead of doing the dishes or catching up on work I just scrubbed my bathroom sink until it shined. It is the only thing in this house that stays clean for more than ten minutes. There is something so satisfying about using actual bleach and knowing that for a brief moment the bacteria is losing the war. People talk about self care like it is a bubble bath but for me it is just being able to use a cleaning spray that does not claim to be organic or eco friendly. Sometimes I just want the chemicals to do the work so I do not have to.

I am looking at my hands right now and they are so dry from constant washing they look like they belong to a woman twice my age. It is the price you pay I guess. I used to care about manicures and soft skin but now I just care if the soap is on sale and if I can hide the good chocolate in the vegetable drawer without being caught. My son woke up early from his nap and immediately asked why the bathroom smelled like "pool water". I told him it is the smell of my sanity holding on by a thread. He just blinked and asked for crackers. I am pretty sure I missed a spot on the floor anyway so the cycle just starts all over again.

I think I will just stay on this floor for another minute and pretend I do not hear the toy truck hitting the wall in the living room. As long as he is not crying and I can still smell the bleach I am counting today as a win in my book.