Every time this happens I get more and more tired and numb.

Yesterday my pwBPD made some comments about some behavior that I’m very sensitive about and I was feeling criticized and put my guard up, so I shut down a little bit (I have ADHD and RSD as a result). They then expressed that they were disappointed by my reaction to their comments, which made me feel worse and ashamed, so I let them know that I was struggling and feeling defensive.

Then they started stonewalling, so my enmeshment kicked in and I panicked and started to try and explain why I was feeling defensive and trying to just have an open conversation about the story going through my head vs their actual intent so we could discuss more. Eventually I realized that I should have apologized initially when they said they were disappointed in my reaction - not apologize for my feelings, but apologize for closing off and seeming to disregard their initial concern. I also clearly see how that triggered their BPD insofar as feeling emotionally ignored, like their needs/feelings didn’t matter.

Then the devaluation. They said I didn’t know what empathy or sympathy was. That it had taken me WAY too long to realize I needed to say that I was sorry. That I didn’t care about how much pain they were in and that I never cared about the way they were feeling. They called me a sociopath and said I was selfish. They brought out the D word again (divorce, it has been used in the past as well multiple times). This part hurts the most because yesterday I was the best parent ever and the best partner etc and today I’m a sociopath. I truly don’t actually know what they think of me.

After reflecting for about 15 minutes I sought them out and owned my mistake and apologized for putting my ego and protecting myself above their feelings and not validating their emotions when I should have. I realized it was because I was feeling very sensitive about this topic and went right into defensiveness instead of being open or curious as to their thoughts. I got a ‘thanks’ and so far 16 hours of silence in return.

These situations are especially hard for me because I clearly see that I did make a mistake. I owned it and apologized and it was genuine (though I’m sure they’ll say that it sounded like I was just going through the motions and didn’t mean it). And yet they make me feel like it was a such a grave fuck up. That it’s the end of everything. It’s wild because if they had done this to me (which, tbh, they probably have) and genuinely apologized and acknowledged the hurt they caused, I would be forgiving. I HAVE been forgiving of things I shouldn’t have forgiven for a decade. We all make mistakes - it’s part of being human and dealing with our personal diseases. We’re all going to react badly to things and let our lizard brain take center stage at times. We are not all consistently emotionally enlightened beings. And I have forgiven them for many more and far worse things, but I am not afforded that grace in return.

I have never called them a name or degraded their character or given them an ultimatum or talked shit about them in front of our child. Meanwhile I deal with verbal abuse regularly and I have to keep reminding myself that despite what they say I DO care about how they feel and I DO care about how much pain they’re in - the trap of questioning my reality is so strong. Some days I just struggle to figure out why I try so hard to appease someone who I think hates me.

Anyway, TLDR; same thing, different day. My task today is to find a new personal therapist since mine retired last month and I didn’t have anyone lined up.