My only chance?

Sometimes it's hard not to feel tainted by every bad thing in my life, every constraining circumstance. I think I am disgusting and terrible and so, so childlike. Not independent about anything in any way. Above all, I am not free, and I don't know if I will ever be free.

For that reason, it's hard not to want to die. When... You want to be free so bad and you want to live a life according to your wishes - but you know that it's very difficult because you've gotten so used to complacency and you have terrible mental issues: a voice in your head that doesn't know how to do anything and hates, hates, hates YOU. Wouldn't it be so easy to just not exist?

I have thought of various things that would save me, one of them was even love. But you can hear how terrible of an idea that is. You can't love someone because you're miserable and because you think loving them makes you happier and just better.

I just want to sleep. I don't want to ask questions anymore. I don't want to worry anymore. I've been carrying such a heavy burden, the burden of being me, everywhere I go and yearning so desperately for things I cannot have. I am in so much pain, and I'm so alone. And I should be alone. I shouldn't be here.