As a J

I read your posts and I feel sick.

I was always going to accept your truth. You never had to lie to kick it.

If my depressive states bothered you, & my glow state bothered you more, if at any point you lied to me - if you ever for a second considered that it is your doing that I rose from the depths of my mental illness to welcome you into MY web, if you think you have 5 on it AT ALL,

Well, you never really caught me, did ya? Was it my undoing or your relentless attempt at trying to sculpt me in your hands that I fell through like fine sand?

Water baby.

If you ever thought I wasn’t “here”.
If you ignored my phone call.
If you ever THOUGHT anyone but ME saved ME.

If you think that you saved me. That in another life, it’ll work out. Cause of fuck all.
Nah. But I’ll answer when YOU call.
You don’t know shit about being alone.

No baby.

I’m gonna live well into my old, old age.
Painfully.
Willfully.
Intentionally.
It’s my last one.

See, my mind wants me gone. I’ve spent a lifetime fighting her. You have nothing on my psyche.
And there’s an immense difference between you and me.
You wish you had the guts to be this authentic and broken. I stand by myself, within myself, and I believe in myself. I’ve seen the way I love others back to health. Can you say the same?
I wish I had your selfishness. Your posture. Your dedication to the masks you put on.
See, one day, I started taking my masks off one by one. Everyday I got a little clearer. Everyday my love for simply my place in this world became stronger. And I just couldn’t put the mask back. It didn’t fit anymore. And I no longer need anything. Really. I need nothing. I am abundant. My cup is always overflowing. You may look to me and think, what a pity. But I giggle all the time. And I am so sad. It worries me that you aren’t. Heaven has all my favorite people. Goth like the dead deserve our grieving. The shadows of my ghosts carry me to the next beautiful day.

I laugh harder, cry more, complain less, sleep more, give more to my people, my family and my community than you have in this lifetime and the next.
And I don’t want to be anything you want of me. I don’t need you. I chose to, but it’s just a matter of fated wires in time and I am not worthy of knowing what the will of the Lord is. I am only now following it.
You’d let me drown because you didn’t put on your own life jacket. It’s not my fault.
You don’t know me. And you never did. In fact, I don’t remember you. I probably remember you wrong, and by wrong, I mean better than you were.
No one will know of the harm you have done to me, because I am not like you. Not at all. Not in one single moment, are you on my level. I am aware of the fall before it occurs.

And if you had loved me, or had simply cared for me, you would have said that. Fuckface.

Get a grip. But not on me. I’m nobody’s mommy. I’ll stand behind you.
But I’m not gonna stand on you like you did me.
And I’m certainly not gonna stand in your mirror.
I was already beside you before you even started in.

You’re not my daddy, and I’m not your baby.