Feeling trapped in a 7 years "open" couple

Hi !

This is a long post. I am quite new in the poly community, and I wanted to ask for some advice and, if any, good ending stories to feel a bit more comfortable with my current situation.

(Please excuse my english. It is absolutely not my mother tongue)

Me (31 demiguy) and my partner (Alice 33 W) have been dating and living together for 7 years now. We met as flatmates and quickly got close and intimate. As we were more and more disagreeing about everything with our other flatmate, we decided to live just the two of us about a year after moving in and are still living together since then.

We both have had open relationships before, me with poly or swinging partners, her more openly blending friendships and love stories without a specific definition. I never defined myself as poly, as I considered normal to love and see different people at the same time. I never loved just one person. Alice had an exclusive relationship, though, with a really toxic guy who asked her to open their relationship to have sex here and there without feeling guilty. She refused, and he blamed her for not being open enough.

We first agreed that our relationship would be non-exclusive, with some kind of shitty don't ask don't tell policy. I was just starting to date my ex Nora (F 35) again, in a very open, sex-centered relationship. Alice was also sleeping with some good friends of her from time to time, mostly for fun. My ex was supposed to come to our place a week after we started to be intimate, Alice and I. As she got very uncomfortable with the situation, I decided to cancel Nora's comming, and by so breaking up (once again) with her.

Another event occurred that first year, which had a very strong impact on how it turned out after. Alice and I were supposed to meet in a bar with some friends of her after a very shitty day for me. As I arrived, she was already drunk. I kissed her hello, and then she asked me to french kiss her. I refused, mostly because of my mood. I just wanted to sit, grab a beer, and forget about my day. Then she told me that if I didn't, she would go back kissing her friends again. I got really upset, felt betrayed, and got home alone. She slept with one of her friends that night, which pissed me off even more.

She realised how hurt I got, and decided on her own, without telling me, that she would stop having other partners than me. As I am quite a shy person, and because I have to create a solid bound before being intimate with someone, she never thought that I could meet another partner. I realised later that she is very afraid of being left aside and has never been confident in her relationships.

Three years later, I met Nora again during a festival. I didn't know if I still loved her or not, but I realised how close we were or were getting again. We slept together, but something was wrong. I felt guilty immediately. I didn't have any other parter since the beginning of our relationship with Alice. Some flirts at most. Because of our DADT agreement, I hadn't heard of any secondary partner Alive could have had.

I decided to ask Alice directly if we were still an open relationship or not. She replied that we were, of course, exclusives, as it was what I wanted from the early beginning. Back then, I just wanted to disappear. I never wanted such a relationship. I tried several times to ask her about opening back, but it always pissed her off, as she couldn't admit such a thing anymore, and I felt trapped in an exclusive relationship I didn't want.

Another ex reappeared then, Kate, after six years of silence. She had been my most passionate and toxic relationship. The kind of people that just need to be loved to get self-confidence. She had just vanished someday, as she stopped texting me back after telling me she hoped we would live our old days together. She got married a year after with a man she barely knew. I needed to know why she hurt me that hard. As she asked me to meet again, I agreed without telling Alice. We secretly met two more times. I was very cautious, but she had changed, and I wanted to try again. And doing so, love feeling came back, and I must admit I ended up wanting to get intimate with her badly, which never happened.

Alice figured it out someday. And I told her everything as I couldn’t stand the situation anymore. I was in love with her, I wanted to stay with her, maybe even get childs with her, but I betrayed her and cheated on her.

We couldn’t build anything on such lies, and I couldn’t keep on loving several people without telling her.

We got very close from a breakup, as she couldn’t stand such a betrayal. As she meant to hurt me back, she told me she slept once with a friend of hers. It didn't affect me the way it should, as I am not a jealous person, but it made me even more confused. She wouldn't allow me what she did herself.

A few months passed, and after many discussions, we finally agreed on something. What both of us wanted might change over time. So if at a certain moment both of us were okay with the idea of opening our relationship in a polyamorous way, and with our relationship staying primary, we would. But if any of us disagreed or changed his mind, we would go back to an exclusive relationship until it gets better. It seemed pretty decent for both of us.

She met a guy a few weeks after and fell in love with him. They got a short relationship as he was still in love with his ex-girlfriend and realised he couldn’t start something new. It has been a hard time for Alice.

After they broke up, I knew it wasn't the right time for me to meet anyone. I would have been glad to meet someone new, and Kate missed me (I hadn't seen her in years), but Alice was still more important, and we started to make plans again. We began to try to make children, and as we were very bad at doing so, we started an ART procedure.

Another year passed, and a few days ago, as Alice and I were both in a peaceful moment of our life, I told her I wanted to see Kate again, and if both of them wanted to, that it would be nice to make them meet each other. She got upset but agreed. But after two days, we went back to this conversation. She felt betrayed again, and unsecured.I told her that even if I was in love with Kate, she would always be the one I wanted to live with, to have children with, to get old with, that every moment with her felt special. And she just got furious. She wouldn't conceive the idea of me loving somebody else. She couldn't trust someone who would eventually leave her for someone she tolerated in his life. She would be a fool to do so, being the instrument of her own suffering. She asked me never to speak of this subject again.

Now, I feel that I am the one to blame. That I am very selfish for bringing this subject over and over, even if it's clear that she doesn't want such a relationship. I just feel like her toxic ex-boyfriend. I feel like I am just a man in heat who just wants to f* everything in sight. Which disgust me completely. I hate men, and I hate the manish part of me.

I love her more than anything, but I don't know if I will be able to stop loving other people, stop desiring other people, or bury these feelings somewhere they never show up.

I don't know how to deal with the situation. I feel trapped again. I started this relationship with Alice because I thought we had the same conception of it. Seven years later, I don't want to leave her. Quite the opposite, I want to make a family with her, but I don't know if I agree on the cost.

What do you think of it ?

What would you do ?