Letting out feelings

Hi

Been quite a while since I’ve visited. I just wanted to talk about I guess what my relationship with my friend with BPD has left me with. The friendship ended late last year.

I was officially diagnosed with PTSD after getting into therapy. It feels good to be validated but that knowledge has left me a little shaken. I feel like an integral part of myself was destroyed. I feel different now, I don’t really understand it. Like the ending of our relationship, the last weeks of falling out, shattered who I used to be and replaced them with someone else. I’m more sensitive, more afraid, overwhelmed so much easier. the whole idea of who I was as a person is just gone now. I changed my name, because who I used to be doesn’t really exist anymore.

I made some new friends. It’s been nice, hanging out with them and building our friendships, but starting over with a whole new group of people has been really hard. In a way, I miss my friend, or who I thought they were. They made me so dependent on them, so paranoid to step a toe out of line that I have to constantly remind myself that these new friends aren’t actually going to do that to me. One of my new friends even has BPD too, but he’s managing it so much better, he behaves nothing like my friend did, so much so that it shocked me to discover that he had BPD in the first place. He’s so compassionate and sweet and it made me so sad to realize that this was what my friendship could’ve been like if my FWBPD actually cared about me at all.

It’s been hard to move on. I linger a lot on the anger I feel. It’s hard to put everything into words. I feel used, and so many small things can set me right back to where I was, I end up feeling like a failure because I regress, but I keep trying to remind myself that progress isn’t linear. I keep thinking about things they did or said to me, things they tried to ruin for me, gross behavior and grabs for my attention I didn’t realize at the time. The suicide and self harm threats, the splitting at me over nothing, the apologies that meant nothing. This was several years of my live I gave and have nothing but trauma to show for it. I’ve blocked a lot of it out of my memory, but maybe that’s a good thing.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this. I guess I just wanted to vent somewhere. Give an update to no one in particular. I have urges to reach out, to lash out and yell at them for what they’ve done to me, but overall I’m just tired. I’m tired. I’m sad that they still have such a grip on me. Ugh. Thanks for reading my yap session I guess