Why am I even back?

I fought so many battles this year, yesterday I walked out of my treatments. I felt healthier, my friend told me to keep doing it as I had one more week. I died a few times earlier this year, I had the best experience, happier than the real world was my NDE. I shut my phone off. I don’t want to hear from anyone or find me at all. I doubt anyone I know will ever find this.

I’ve been back for a while, did some treatments for cancer. Also did stem cells and was recovering from surgery. I’m okay, physically anyway. Mentally, I don’t want to be around.

Last night I booked a room, and laid there. I did some reflection. How happy I was a few times only for it to crash down. When I’m all in there, I usually do a self reflection, how to improve myself and how I can reach goals. My biggest thing is time, to me time is precious and I don’t like wasting a second of it. It’s an investment , when I put time in, I put effort. When I felt like I lost something after putting effort with the time I didn’t have it hurts me. I lost a year of my life, one from love, one away from my son, and months of it in the hospital recovering. It hurts to come back. Finding out no one visited in my deathbed except a few friends, it all hurts me to come back knowing no one came by except for friends. I spoke to my son and doesn’t even want to spend time with me.

I want to go back so bad. I know my friend lost a few months of their lives looking out for me, but I’m so unhappy to be back. You have no idea how it feels inside.