This sub pregnancy feels so different than my first with my TFMR baby

I guess I just want to share openly how this sub pregnancy feels different, mentally and physically.

My first pregnancy began at the end of this month, a year ago. My husband and I had been trying for months but aiming for a Dec/Jan baby. We had missed the window and I remember wanting to give up and try again the following year. Idk why I was obsessing over that time frame. I got my first positive at the end of June, I had mistaken spotting for a period. At our first ultrasound I was 12 weeks not 9 weeks. That entire pregnancy I had anxiety. I would test with pregnancy tests because I was convinced I wasn't pregnant. I didn't want to share with anyone and had this fantasy of making it to birth before announcing. I was okay with not having a baby shower and just buying everything myself (which I basically did). When I finally started to show, I didn't want to invest in maternity clothes or even except them from my sister. I told everyone I didn't think I would ever have a belly. When we would have appointments I always wrote down the heart rate. My dogs had no connection with my stomach and I almost feel like I didn't either. I remember constantly complaining about my symptoms and wishing they would just stop, then when they did, I panicked.

At the anatomy scan we found out his heart wasn't formed correctly and within two weeks he was in heart failure with no helping him unless I could make it to 27 weeks, by then I wouldn't have the option to TFMR. So we said goodbye to my boy at 22+2 days.

This pregnancy, I feel, I desired it more due to our loss. We always wanted two kids and had plans to have Irish twins. This pregnancy was planned like our son's was. It took a lot to get here though. We have a due date of Dec/Jan (exactly like we wanted). I found out I was pregnant the earliest you could find out. My MIL had a dream I was pregnant while I had my LMP. I had a lot of cardinals visiting and ladybug appeared the day before my positive. My symptoms still suck but I'm grateful for them. I already feel like I'm showing and I'm already sharing the news before I even had my first scan. There is so much positivity with this pregnancy and maybe it's because we knew what we lost and how much of a miracle a baby is.

Idk I just feel like my mother's intuition prepped me, my body, mind, and soul knew I was going to lose my son. This time around, I have none of those feelings. It's out of my control, each day is a blessing with this baby.