Nothing feels good lately and knowing that my life may possibly be ending is making it so hard to stay positive

I 31F have had cancer since 2021, with remissions and relapses. The first cancer I had was AML and the second one ovarian immature teratoma, and I unfortunately am now preparing for surgery for my ovarian cancer’s return.

So now, if you’re a medical professional, you know that I’m screwed because for germ cell cancers, platinum based chemo treatments are the only way out, and after a bone marrow transplant, having the first surgery and chemotherapy, everyone was fucking scared that I may end up having chemo induced t-AML, but that luckily didn’t happen the first time around. Unfortunately, there have been no recorded cases of AML patients being treated with platinum based chemo treatments surviving it the second time around.

I am so so so scared, so scared. I literally had so much trauma to deal with since my teens, SA, school and college bullying, parents, name it and I’ve been through it. Add ADHD and autism to the mix and wow, was my life a nightmare to live.

I weirdly feel so much anxiety for what’s to come, hardly have anyone to talk to because I everyone says I need to have positive thoughts and I can wish this away and that everything is gonna be okay.

No Rachel(childhood best friend, name changed for privacy sake), everything isn’t about manifestation and being delulu, with you sitting on a paid leave in the UK and touring around Europe, of course your life seems great! I am sick and tired of people pushing this toxic positivity on me.

I only fell in love with someone once, I unfortunately couldn’t even tell him, he’s clearly moved on and doesn’t even know I exist anymore, why would he?

I just feel so low waiting in anticipation of what’s to come, nobody really to share how I feel with, nobody who even understands what I’m going through. I made a best friend through this journey, I made a joke about how we both didn’t succumb to the 27 club, and he unfortunately passed away in 2024 when I was hospitalized for my surgery, he also told everyone to not tell me until I recovered from surgery so that I wouldn’t be sad. Lost another friend earlier this year when her AML returned and it was way too late to do anything.

Maybe I just make peace with everything? Maybe I should just give up and surrender?

I don’t know, this should have gone in my diary but I just wanted to feel seen and heard, feel human. I used to be the kind of person who got told that I see the good in people even if it wasn’t there, I would give anything to feel like me again. I just feel like I’m carrying more than I have the strength to at this moment in time and I have to put on a show to make myself look brave and happy.

I am just so tired, so tired of pretending, so tired of everything.