why am i such a fucking coward

i was going to do it finally i was going to do it i wanted to so bad. i have eveeythint. i've had everything. i crushed up that stupud rock in the bag and i got rid of the rest of the meth in my bubble and i walked over to my bed with my rig ready to smoke it just like how id normally do but it would be my last it. i tossed the bag on my nightstand and i just kept saying coward over and over and over again pacing my room and hitting my head. why can't i just let myself die