hella rant I'm sorry you're seeing

Shortly, I am in somatic therapy for ptsd, have always had a difficulty feeling like resonate with anyone at all. I did all masking, authenticity, isolation, exposure, carefree and care, and never found a solid ground.

I recently noticed that I struggle feeling truly interested in anything that isn't niche, related to arts or other good old hobbies, so I can't share any fun news with peers, small talk is draining, I feel more boring and disappoining (as well as bored and disappointed) than ever before but it's exactly the loneliness and lack of purpose that's taking a toll on my self-worth, especially since I have a tendency to overanalyze and overcritisize every subtle move. I'm too focused on the details.

The greater the sense of obligation, the less strength to achieve something. Mind has overtaken me. The hardest thing about seeking bonds is exactly because I know how difficult it is now for me. Self hyperawareness is NOT a privilege. It doesn't matter if I let go of all expectation. I really just end up deprived of joy. I had my first honest giggle since ages at a video about misspellings I've found on my old playlist from a time I was still interested in "bullshit" and could laugh at anything at all. It was a nice throwback and I can't find anything of the kind now.

I hope I'm not the only one who feels 60 and I'd sometimes actually rather be so I could sense no fission between body and mind. I hate to say it but it's true. How do you cope? ?? Well do you?